


Drawings & Decisions

by Dexterous_Sinistrous



Series: Kiss Goodnight [3]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Drug Addiction, Explicit Sexual Content, F/F, F/M, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Weddings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-16
Updated: 2016-05-04
Packaged: 2018-04-21 03:31:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 20,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4813349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dexterous_Sinistrous/pseuds/Dexterous_Sinistrous
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaidan knew that forever wasn't always permanent. He knew that deep down he and Shepard were more likely to part than stay together. But even after the heartache and countless attempts to move on, he still has trouble breathing when Shepard walks into the room after all these years.</p><p>Forced to spend a weekend with Shepard shouldn't be too hard, or at least Kaidan thought. He promised Liara he'd make it through her wedding in one piece, but actually making it is another story completely.</p><p>Kaidan's starting to learn that, sometimes, when you start looking towards the future, the past can't help repeating itself.</p><p>[Previously Titled: <em>Weddings & Choices</em>]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. And I Meant Every Word I Said

**Author's Note:**

> WOW. Here it is, guys. I really hope the wait was worth it. The long awaited, official sequel to _[Textbooks& Football](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3172588/chapters/6890266)_.
> 
> A big thanks to Derog6 for harassing me. You're the best kind of harassment <3
> 
> An endless thanks and much love to [luxluminaire](http://archiveofourown.org/users/luxluminaire), who I never would have started this series without. She listens and brainstorms with me, incoherently, in the early hours of the morning. She flails with me and is stern with me when I need to finish it.
> 
> The sex depicted in this series will be similar to what you saw in _Textbooks & Football_. I actually think it may be a but more descriptive and I blame my hiatus which involved ENDLESS Sterek fics. Which always involved sex and take me forever to write -.-
> 
> Anyways, all high rated material will be warned about in the notes before the chapters start. This first chapter has a M/M sex scene in it ;)
> 
>  **Important** : All flashbacks will begin with _**bold italicized**_ font that lets you know when the flashback takes place, and ends with the next breaker (~*~). There is at least one flashback in every chapter, so it's important you know this.
> 
> I hope you enjoy this! Kudos, comments, bookmarks, ALL is welcome. Give me your feedback, I love it.
> 
> [ **Update** : I have decided to change the title to better fit where this story goes, and what transpires. It was previous entitled _Weddings & Choices_. Sorry for any confusion this causes, but I figured earlier was better than later.]

Kaidan pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose, balancing his textbook in one arm as he continued to pace in front of the classroom, murmuring his lecture to himself as he went over his notes. He was used to having a teenage audience for classes, but taking Mrs. McAnear’s—who insisted Kaidan calls by Samara now that they are technically colleagues, which completely throws him off—class was the last thing he thought he’d be doing. To be honest, there are a lot of things Kaidan thought he’d never be doing, and coming back to Normandy High was one of them.

Every morning, Kaidan would stand in the history hallway, the same hallway his locker stood for four years. He observed the students as they laughed and gossiped with their friends. He realized that not much had changed since his years spent here as a student. He kept a sure eye on the quieter students, patrolling his part of the hall as best he could to guarantee that bullying was nonexistent there.

“Mr. Alenko?” a soft voice called his name, gaining his attention as he looked up from his textbook.

“Good afternoon, Casey,” Kaidan greeted the teenager, moving to set his textbook down on the student desk in front of him. “Is there something I can help you with?”

Casey nodded, ducking her head. “I was wondering—if you weren’t too busy—if you wouldn’t mind writing me a letter of recommendation for college?” She shyly looked up at Kaidan, trying to hide her blush of embarrassment.

Casey was one of his best students, but she wasn’t as outgoing as the rest of the kids. She was more introverted, like Kaidan was before meeting Liara.

“Of course,” Kaidan replied. “I’d love to.” He smiled when Casey’s eyes lit up in excitement.

“Really? You don’t have too many to do?” Casey asked in disbelief.

“Nope,” Kaidan smiled. He asked Casey for a list of her colleges as well as a few questions here and there about what she wanted to do there, different goals she had in mind, etc. It was all a reminder for Kaidan. _This_ is why he didn’t mind coming back to teaching high school. To see a quiet kid like Casey smile as she talked about her passions was worth the questionable pay and more often than not annoying teenagers.

Kaidan spent the next couple of hours grading exams, flicking his glasses up and down the bridge of his nose as he grew bored continuously correcting the same error.

“Kaidan,” a female voice called his name.

“Yeah?” Kaidan questioned in response, not looking up from his paper.

“Kaidan, Kaidan, Kaidan,” the voice kept calling his name, closer to the desk now.

Kaidan knew who it was but continued to ignore her.

“Kaidan!” She finally yelled, slamming her hands on his desk.

“Liara!” Kaidan responded as he finally looked up.

“You’re late,” Liara stated with a smile, peeking down at his papers.

“We’re not leaving until tomorrow,” Kaidan replied, checking the wall clock. “And it’s only 5.”

“I only get married once, don’t ruin this,” Liara replied, coming around the desk to sit beside him on it.

“Ruin it, huh?” Kaidan questioned, removing his glasses as he pinched the bridge of his nose.

“You’re not second guessing yourself, are you?” Liara asked, frowning some.

“No, I’m not,” Kaidan replied. “It’s just …”

“Miranda said that he wasn’t going to be there until the wedding,” Liara explained. “I’m sorry, but we didn’t think about you two—” She stopped herself when she noticed the frown crossing Kaidan’s lips. “We didn’t think what happened would happened.”

“I know,” Kaidan stated. “And it wasn’t your fault, so don’t blame yourselves.”

“I just want my man of honor to feel comfortable,” Liara replied.

“Does that include making your future wife pick a new man of honor?” Kaidan jokingly asked.

“I’m sorry, but she’ll stop sleeping with me if I side with you over her,” Liara innocently stated.

“Enough, we’re in a high school—a building for children,” Kaidan stated, not wanting to hear any more stories regaling how amazing nimble Miranda’s tongue is.

“Did you know she can—”

Kaidan immediately put his hands over his ears. “Not listening.”

“It’s amazing how far she can bend. Sometimes I think—”

“Stop!” Kaidan stated loudly, laughing when Liara tried to take his hands away from his ears.

~*~

“Shepard, let’s go,” Garrus called to him, standing in the doorway as he watched Shepard pace in front of a giant canvas.

“I’m busy,” Shepard replied.

“Right, because _this_ ,”—Garrus gestured towards the canvas that had splattered paint all over it—“cannot wait a few days.”

“I told you, I have a buyer,” Shepard replied.

“That buyer wouldn’t happen to be yourself just trying to get out of this, would it?” Garrus questioned as he started to walk into Shepard’s loft, heading straight for his bedroom.

“I don’t know what you are talking about,” Shepard stubbornly replied.

“Good,” Garrus answered, quickly cramming random shirts and pants into the suitcase he found in Shepard’s closet.

“I’m not going,” Shepard stated over his music.

“And I’m not going to be a dad,” Garrus scoffed.

“I’m serious,” Shepard replied, turning his music off.

“And I have a very seriously pregnant wife sitting in the car who is going to castrate me if you don’t get in that car in the next few minutes,” Garrus seriously stated.

“I’m not going to castrate you,” Tali stated as she made her way into the loft.

“Sweetie, what are you doing?” Garrus questioned as he watched Tali waddle across the open space.

“I have to pee,” Tali explained. “Your daughter keeps tap dancing on my bladder.”

“Tali, would you mind if I don’t go?” Shepard asked.

“Of course not. Miranda, on the other hand, _will_ castrate you if you don’t show up and ultimately ruin her wedding,” Tali stated as she closed the bathroom door.

“To be fair, I think she’ll just be pissed if she thinks Liara’s day is ruined,” Garrus replied.

“I was fine going before, but now … I’ve changed my mind,” Shepard stated.

“Right,” Garrus rolled his eyes in response. “Look, I don’t care what is going to happen between you and Kaidan. Whether you see stars or your vision bleeds red. Whatever happens, I’ve got your back. If it becomes too much, we’ll leave. I’ll drive you back here myself.”

“And leave me at the wedding?” Tali questioned as she opened the door.

“You won’t be alone,” Garrus replied, gesturing towards Tali’s stomach.

“Just because I am feeding two people, Garrus Vakarian, does not mean I will not be by myself,” Tali huffed.

“Liara will be there, and I’ll just drop Shepard off before coming right back,” Garrus explained, desperate to try and make both of them happy.

~*~

Kaidan felt fear and nervousness tumbling around in his stomach as he stared at his watch. The last time he saw Shepard was junior year of college, and neither of them parted the way they wished to. Kaidan tried to focus on something different than rerunning every memory and thought he could about Shepard and their breakup.

“You doing okay?” Miranda asked as she came to stand next to Kaidan.

“Yeah, yeah,” Kaidan quickly replied as he turned to look at Miranda. They both stared at one another before Kaidan murmured, “That was too fast of a response, wasn’t it?”

“Just a little,” Miranda answered as she pressed a glass of champagne into his hand. “I just wanted to say, Kaidan, thank you for coming,” she stated as she placed a delicate hand on his forearm. “It means a lot to Liara and me.”

“It’s your wedding,” Kaidan explained with a small smile. “Of course I came.”

Miranda placed a gentle kiss on Kaidan’s cheek. “Thank you.” She turned her attention back towards the driveway. She instantly recognized the car as Garrus’, knowing that Shepard would be with him. She let her hand slide down to Kaidan’s, giving his hand a small squeeze for reassurance.

“Hey!” Liara excitedly exclaimed as she rushed down the steps with an open champagne bottle in hand.

“For the lovely bride to be,” Garrus announced, holding out Liara’s favorite brand of wine as he exited the car.

“What about the other lovely bride to be?” Miranda called, releasing her hold on Kaidan as she descended the steps towards the car.

“Your favorite brand of insanely expensive brandy,” Garrus replied. “You can thank Shepard for that one.”

Kaidan took a deep breath when he saw Shepard climb out of the car. He held his ground, trying to keep himself from freaking out when he realized he should act like the others and embrace Shepard. He couldn’t stop his eyes from wandering over to Shepard, watching him embrace the others.

Shepard’s hair was buzzed short, a strange comparison to his once normally tousled hair. It made Shepard look older, completely different from before. He wore a pair of dark blue jeans, accompanied by a deep red button down shirt. He looked good, better than how he looked when Kaidan last saw him.

Kaidan bit his bottom lip when his eyes locked with Shepard’s.

~*~

**_Freshman Year of College_ **

Shepard stretched his limbs, leaning from side to side as he tried to adjust to his gaming jitters. It was the first game of the year. The fans were all cheering in the stands, the school actually having a proper stadium opposed to the small bleachers of Normandy High. His eyes scanned the lines of the crowd, some of the faces he recognized from his different classes, or merely running into them on campus.

“Shepard!” A female voice called his name, pulling him from his thoughts.

Shepard turned around to see Jack jogging over to him. He hid his smile, amused by the fact that Jack’s uniform made her look smaller than normal, the pads making her shoulders look ridiculously wide for her slender body.

“Hey Jack,” Shepard greeted her with their standard fist pump.

“You ready?” Jack questioned as she dangled her helmet from her fingers, turning to look at the crowd.

“Just a few jitters,” Shepard honestly answered.

“Well, get your head out of your ass and play like you’ve been playing in practice,” Jack replied.

“Easier said than done,” Shepard replied, looking down at the tape wrapped around his fingers.

“You’ll nail it, I promise,” Jack answered, slapping her hand on his shoulder. “If not, I’ll just have to do a little cathartic therapy on these assholes.”

“Thanks,” Shepard smiled. “I like having a teammate that has my back.”

“Your back, your ass, whatever,” Jack shrugged, a small smile of her own crossing her lips.

“Leon!”

Shepard turned his head, immediately recognizing the owner of the voice. His smile lit up the minute he saw Ryan and Samara standing by the railings, leaning down and waving to him.

“I’ll be right back,” Shepard stated to Jack as he ran towards both Ryan and Samara. “I thought you couldn’t make it,” he said in disbelief as he stood just below the railing.

“We rearranged some things and made it work,” Ryan answered as he leaned down and ruffled Shepard’s hair.

“We wanted to see your first game,” Samara answered with a fond smile.

“Thank you,” Shepard smiled as he straightened out his hair. “It means a lot.”

“We actually brought you a gift,” Ryan explained.

“It’s just my first game,” Shepard answered, unsure why they would bother getting him something.

“It was a little too big to carry around though,” Ryan replied with a sly smile, laughing when Samara playfully smacked his shoulder.

Shepard arched his eyebrow, curious at Ryan’s words.

Ryan gestured his head towards the stadium entrance, causing Shepard to turn his head and look. Kaidan was standing by the field entrance, Shepard’s leather jacket gracing his shoulders.

Kaidan waved to Shepard, smiling when he dropped his helmet and started running towards him. “Hey,” he released an excited breath, not sure what to do with himself.

“Hey,” Shepard greeted as he immediately wrapped his arms around Kaidan’s neck, pulling him in for a kiss.

Kaidan smiled into the kiss, wrapping his arms around Shepard’s waist as they both clung to each other. He tilted his head in unison with Shepard, both of them unable to help themselves as they opened their mouths further. It wasn’t exactly a short or tame kiss, both of them having gone more than a month without seeing each other.

“Shepard!” A voice yelled from back by the team.

Shepard groaned as he pulled away from Kaidan, his fingers pushing through his hair as he turned to look at the own of the voice. “Yeah, Coach?” He called, not bothering to move from Kaidan’s embrace.

“Get your ass over here, you can see your boyfriend later!” Coach yelled at him.

“Okay!” Shepard called back. He turned to look at Kaidan. “I’ll see you after the game?”

“I’ll be with Ryan and Samara,” Kaidan stated. “I decided that if you’re going to be getting hit for the amusement of others, I’m going to support you and be in your corner.”

Shepard smiled, placing a gentle kiss against Kaidan’s lips as he released him. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Kaidan angelically sighed as Shepard’s fingertips grazed across his arms.

Kaidan was glad that Shepard didn’t get hit too much. The other players were successful in protecting Shepard at all costs, even if it meant taking a tackle for him. He cheered beside Ryan and Samara, grateful that he didn’t have to suffer through Shepard being roughly tackled to the ground.

Kaidan was glad Shepard snuck away with him, pulling him after him as they avoided the congratulating fans and fellow peers. He smiled when Shepard asked if they could possibly meet Samara and Ryan later for dinner, wanting to catch up with Kaidan. Thankfully, Ryan held back all embarrassing comments he thought of, merely telling Shepard to text him when they were ready for dinner.

Kaidan laughed when Shepard pushed him through the door to his dorm, tossing his gym bag off to the side before latching himself onto Kaidan. He smiled as Shepard kicked the door closed behind him, kissing Kaidan as soon as his hands touched him.

“I’m here for the weekend,” Kaidan informed Shepard between the series of kisses.

Shepard easily toed out of his sneakers, reaching his hands up to cup Kaidan’s face in his hands. His kisses were softer—gentler—before he finally pulled back. “I missed you,” he explained. “I missed knowing what your lips felt like,” he smiled when Kaidan ducked his chin at the statement.

“You just miss my body, huh?” Kaidan joked.

“I miss what your body does to my body,” Shepard replied with a sly smirk.

“You’ve gotten cocky,” Kaidan answered.

“Poor choice of words,” Shepard stated, pushing Kaidan backwards and onto his bed.

Kaidan lifted his body up, leaning on his elbows as he watched Shepard move to straddle his hips. He let Shepard push up the hem of his shirt, placing small kisses across his bare torso. He reached a hand up, running his fingers through Shepard’s hair as he studied his movements.

Shepard looked up at Kaidan through his eyelashes, the smile in his eyes brightening when he felt Kaidan’s grip on his hair tighten. He dipped down to place languid kisses across Kaidan’s navel, moving his way over to the hollow of his hip.

“Aren’t you tired?” Kaidan asked, his voice heavy and full of want.

“Didn’t you know?” Shepard playfully asked as he scooted further down Kaidan’s body, his nimble fingers expertly unbuttoning Kaidan’s jeans. “I finished the game a lot quicker than they thought,” he started pulling Kaidan’s pants down, smiling when Kaidan shifted his hips to help him discard his clothes. “Which means I have plenty of overtime left.”

“Isn’t overtime in basketball?” Kaidan questioned.

Shepard paused, his head leaning down to place a kiss along the elastic of Kaidan’s boxers. He looked up at Kaidan. “I actually have no clue,” he commented. “You just ruined my flirting, though.”

“ _I_ ruined your flirting,” Kaidan almost laughed. “Your flirting is horrid,” he added when Shepard moved up his body. He sat up, capturing Shepard’s lips with his own before gracefully flipping them.

Shepard smiled up at Kaidan, gently wiggling his hips against Kaidan’s as he wrapped his legs around his waist. He gladly pulled Kaidan closer, places kisses here and there.

They both couldn’t help laughing when they became a pile of limbs struggling to remove their clothes. They exchanged a series of kisses and touches, slowly cherishing each other’s bodies before they even dared move on.

Shepard reached his arms above him, clasping at the pillow above his head as he waited for Kaidan to finish prepping him. He released a low rumble of approval as Kaidan mouthed at the base of his cock, distracting him from any uncomfortable stretch his fingers caused. He moved his hips against Kaidan, a small smile gracing his lips when Kaidan finally looked up at him.

Kaidan moved to kneel in between Shepard’s legs, dropping the bottle of lube in favor of the condom. His once unsteady fingers had become accustomed to the surprisingly daft movement, moving with ease as he tore the corner of the wrapper off. He couldn’t help the small sigh he released when Shepard’s fingers grazed over his hips, a small coaxing motion meant to encourage him to hurry. He hooked his hands behind the back of Shepard’s knees, pulling his body down the bed in order to snuff out the space between them.

Kaidan pressed his hands against the bed by Shepard’s upper torso, leaning his weight on his hands as he kissing Shepard. He was relaxed, completely at ease with Shepard’s body laying beneath him—pliant and welcoming. He pulled back from the kiss, resting his forehead against Shepard’s when he felt Shepard’s fingers wrap around his cock. He lifted his head to look down, watching Shepard guide him into his body. He flexed his hips, burying himself in Shepard’s warmth. He released a small curse as he stilled his hips, allowing Shepard to move his body and grow accustomed to having Kaidan back inside him.

Shepard leaned his head back against the pillow, a pleased look graced his dazed out look, making him look completely sated by the simple action of Kaidan resting there.

“I missed you,” Kaidan breathed against Shepard’s lips, leaning down to capture Shepard’s lips once more. He moved to rest his weight on his forearms, pressing his body flush against Shepard’s as they exchanged kisses here and there.

“I missed you too, but if you don’t move I’m going to—” Shepard’s moan cut him off as Kaidan snapped his hips before pausing again. “You’re such a fucking tease,” Shepard fondly stated.

“I learned from the best.” Kaidan smiled before he started to roll his hips in a steady motion. He took the opportunity to kiss and bite at Shepard’s exposed throat as he pressed his head back into the pillow.

Shepard met Kaidan, thrust for thrust, setting up a familiar rhythm. He kept his legs bent as they housed Kaidan’s hips, the small hairs covering his calves almost tickling Kaidan’s sides with his motions. He moved his hands between them, his fingertips tracing the contours of Kaidan’s abs and chest. He wickedly smiled when he flicked his thumb over one of Kaidan’s nipples, causing his rhythm to briefly falter.

Kaidan wasn’t surprised as Shepard’s hands roamed his body. It wasn’t hard to remember just how much Shepard liked to touch and feel his body, especially when they were having sex. Shepard often clung to Kaidan, something Kaidan enjoyed just as much as Shepard did. He partially groaned when Shepard’s hands grasped his ass, a small plea for Kaidan to fuck him harder. He paused, sitting back on his heels as he pulled out of Shepard.

“What the hell, Kaidan?” Shepard snapped, panting heavy as he looked at him.

“Shut up, and turn around,” was Kaidan’s only answer.

Shepard moved to turn onto his hands and knees, propping himself up as he practically presented himself to Kaidan.

Kaidan instantly moved back, placing languid kisses against Shepard’s shoulder blades as he slowly slid back into him. They both groaned in unison at the change, Kaidan easily being able to pull Shepard back by his firm hold on his hips.

Shepard pressed down onto his elbows as Kaidan’s pace quickened, pistoning into him the more he begged him to. He pushed his hips back into Kaidan’s, meeting him every time his hips snapped forward.

Both their moans were growing louder as they chased their orgasms together. Shepard shot his arms out to shove his pillows out of the way as he reached his hands to grip the edge of his mattress. He cursed, biting his lip when he felt the warmth spreading throughout his body.

“Kaidan,” Shepard panted his name. “Kaidan, I can’t—fuck,” he gasped when Kaidan directly hit his prostate. “Right there, right there,” he practically begged, all other words being forgotten as Kaidan continued to move. He moved his hand to cover Kaidan’s as he stroked him to near completion. He let his head hang, seeing the flex of Kaidan’s thighs against his own, the pre-cum falling down to the bed. He let himself cry out when he finally came, calling Kaidan’s name like it was a religious mantra.

Shepard weakly reached a hand back, barely feeling Kaidan’s hip as he continued to thrust into him. He let out a breathy laugh when Kaidan finally stilled against him, his own voice hoarse as he called Shepard’s name. He partially yelped when he felt Kaidan’s teeth bite against his shoulder blade.

“Sorry,” Kaidan panted, his breath hot and labored against Shepard’s already enflamed skin.

“It’s okay,” Shepard mused as he let his limbs crumble, falling onto the bed without caring about the wet spot underneath him. “You fucked me into a nap,” he announced as he pulled his pillow back towards him, pressing his face into the plush material.

“You’re welcome,” Kaidan answered in a slightly amused tone as he stood to get rid of the condom. He leaned down, kissing Shepard’s shoulder as he ran a hand along his side. “Should clean up.”

“I don’t care,” Shepard mumbled, his eyes closed. “I’m content with sleeping.”

“You’re going to be crabby about it when you wake up,” Kaidan pointed out.

“You and your logic,” Shepard huffed as he opened one eye before pulling Kaidan down into the bed with him.

Kaidan was about to say something, completely surprised when the door suddenly opened up. He quickly snatched one of Shepard’s discarded pillows, dropping it in his lap as he sat up on high alert.

Shepard, on the other hand, was completely at ease as he merely turned his head to see the person walking in.

“Hey, Shepard, I was—” The girl stopped dead, arching an eyebrow as she looked from Kaidan to Shepard. “Jesus, Shepard, what did I say?”

“To warn you when I had my boyfriend over,” Shepard replied.

“Ugh,” she furrowed her eyebrows, scrunching her nose in response. “There better not be jizz on my side of the room.”

Kaidan placed a hand over his face, completely embarrassed that he was meeting this girl for the first time.

“We stuck to my side, Jack,” Shepard replied. “Now get out of here and go to your party.”

“Right,” Jack made a mock salute to Shepard as she grabbed her iPod and portable speakers. “Nice to meet … all of you, Kaidan,” she partially smirked when she caught the red burning of Kaidan’s ears.

“Yeah, you too,” Kaidan quickly stated, glad that Jack didn’t linger. “That was mortifyingly embarrassing,” he mumbled as he reclined by Shepard once more.

“Imagine if she walked in while you were balls deep,” Shepard stated, laughing when Kaidan hit him with the pillow.

~*~

Kaidan was proud of himself for not going weak at the knees when seeing Shepard again. He made it a point to avoid bumping into him, keeping towards being sandwiched by both Liara and Tali. He felt like he was back in high school all over again. He made sure to keep his eyes from lingering on Shepard, pretending that he wasn’t focusing on Shepard’s laugh, or the way he gently leaned against the wall as he listened to the others talking.

Kaidan excused himself, heading towards the kitchen to retrieve another bottle of champagne. He searched through the refrigerator, trying to not make a mess of the way Liara had shoved everything in to snuggly fit. He sighed, balancing half of the fridge’s contents with one hand, sliding the champagne bottle out with the other. He quickly moved, slamming the fridge door in an attempt to keep the food contained. He turned quickly, catching sight of the rows of crystal glasses aligned on the counter right by his arm, causing him to practically flail backwards in all attempts to be away from them.

Kaidan was surprised that when he lost his balance, he didn’t really care much. He wasn’t drunk, perhaps lightly buzzed. But he was less concerned about his own safety, more concerned that the glasses were safe from being destroyed—he imagined what Miranda would do to him. He was confused when his body didn’t hit the ground; rather, he fell into the arms of a warm and welcoming body.

Kaidan turned his head up to look at the owner of the arms that saved him. He felt his stomach twist and tumble some when his eyes locked with hauntingly familiar and gorgeous blue ones.

“Hey, Kaidan,” Shepard lightly greeted him as he helped him stand up. He made sure Kaidan was confidently standing on his feet before reluctantly pulling away from him.

“Uh, thanks,” Kaidan sheepishly mumbled. He looked down at the champagne bottle in his hands. “I was just getting another bottle,” he stated, an attempt to distract from any awkwardness they might share.

“I noticed,” Shepard answered in a slightly amused tone.

To say it wasn’t awkward would be a lie.

Kaidan moved to set the bottle on the counter, not trusting himself to hold onto the breakable object. He made sure he was nowhere near the wedding cake as he turned his body to look at Shepard. He leaned against the counter before finally asking what was on the tip of his tongue since Liara told him Shepard was coming.

“How are you doing?” Kaidan’s voice was soft, his concern for Shepard evident.

Shepard looked at Kaidan. “Okay,” he answered. “I’ve been clean for almost four years now,” he added, hoping that that somehow made it all better. His voice almost trailed off as he said, “The pain’s manageable.”

Kaidan nodded, worrying the inside of his lip. “That’s good.”

“Garrus and Miranda,” Shepard explained, not knowing if Kaidan even knew how it happened, or if he even believed him. “They kind of knocked it out of me. Yelled at me until it all made sense.”

Kaidan turned to observe the kitchen instead of looking at Shepard. He hated the way his stomach tumbled. “I should have been there,” he finally stated. “You needed people to be there—”

“Kaidan,” Shepard’s voice was sharp, demanding that he stop. “You don’t owe me anything. I think we can both admit that I’ve been a shit friend for the past five years.” He sighed, rubbing a hand over the back of his neck. “And I was a pretty shitty boyfriend the year before that.”

“No, you weren’t,” Kaidan quietly stated.

“I wish I could believe you,” Shepard replied. “Look, Kaidan,” he moved closer to Kaidan as he spoke, but kept a good gap between them regardless. “We’re both here for Miranda and Liara. I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable around me. I know … I know we didn’t part the best way. And I’ve always regretted it.”

Shepard waited before hesitantly reaching a hand out to take Kaidan’s hand in his own. He was thankful when Kaidan finally looked up at him. “I don’t want us both slinking through this weekend just because of how we parted.”

“I’d like to get past the harsh words,” Kaidan answered.

“I’d like to get through this as friends, if we can,” Shepard stated.

Kaidan held back the weak protest filling his lungs. He could be civil for a weekend. He could give Liara and Miranda their happily ever after, because after all, it wasn’t their fault he lost his. He softly nodded in response. “Sure.”

“Bury it?” Shepard asked, his hand refusing to release its hold on Kaidan.

“Forgive it,” Kaidan replied, looking down at their hands. “I think that’s how we get past it.”

~*~

Kaidan was glad the rest of the wedding party began to break off from the main group. He wasn’t surprised when Liara tipsily announced that she was escorting him to his room. He knew she wanted to talk, most likely tease him, about the day. He let her pull on his arm, dragging him up the stairs behind her as they left the others behind.

Liara laughed as she fell onto the bed meant for Kaidan. She fell backwards, sprawling her arms above her head as she stared at the ceiling. “I’m getting married,” she sighed, a light pink tinged her cheeks.

“You’re getting married,” Kaidan sighed as he rested on the bed next to her.

“I can’t believe I’m getting married to Miranda,” Liara stated. “I never thought I’d actually get with her.”

“I never thought she’d be not a bitch,” Kaidan stated. He laughed when Liara playfully shoved him.

“That’s my future wife you’re talking about,” Liara jokingly threatened him. She turned to snuggle into Kaidan’s body like they used to do when they were younger, staying up late to talk about life in general.

“Sorry,” Kaidan laughed. He lifted his arm, allowing Liara to duck under it. He adjusted to let her rest her head against his chest, both of them taking a deep breath.

“Did you ever think that it’d be like this?” Liara quietly asked.

“Be like what?” Kaidan softly spoke.

“One of us getting married,” Liara stated.

“I used to think …” Kaidan paused.

“Shit,” Liara cursed as she lifted her head. “I’m sorry, Kaidan. That is a bitch thing to say.”

“No, it’s not,” Kaidan replied as he reluctantly let her lift her head to see his face. “I just used to think about what it’d be like to be married to Shepard. God, it sounds stupid when I think about it. We were only together for less than four years, but … I don’t know.”

“He felt like your forever,” Liara stated, letting her head rest against Kaidan’s chest once more.

“Yeah,” Kaidan weakly answered. “It’s hard to think that he’s not.”

“Maybe you just needed some time,” Liara replied.

“We didn’t part the best way,” Kaidan stated.

“You never told me,” Liara yawned as she spoke.

“It’s something I’d rather forget,” Kaidan sighed as he thought about the night they fought. He turned his head to look down at Liara’s face when she didn’t speak. He felt a small smile tug at his lips when he noticed she was asleep. He decided to wait a few minutes before carrying her back to her room to let Miranda take care of her.

~*~

Shepard leaned against the mantle above the fireplace as his eyes lingered on the crackling of the fire. He rested his forehead against his arm as he watched the flames dance back and forth.

“Careful you don’t burn yourself,” Miranda’s voice surprised him, causing Shepard to turn his head and look at her. She held out two glasses of brandy, offering one to him.

Shepard smiled as he took the glass from her, moving to cradle it in his hands as he slightly paced by one of the armchairs.

Miranda carefully watched Shepard as she took a seat across from him, gracefully crossing her legs as she settled the brandy glass in her lap. “Want to talk about it?”

“About what?” Shepard asked in a tired tone, knowing exactly what she was talking about.

“Oh, I don’t know,” Miranda started as she lifted the glass towards her lips. “Maybe about the fact that the one who got away from you is upstairs right now, talking with my future wife.”

“Oh, that,” Shepard stated as he finally deflated against the armchair behind him.

“That,” Miranda mimicked Shepard’s tone.

“How did you two do it?” Shepard asked as he looked down at the brandy in his glass.

“I got down on one knee in my red Armani pantsuit and asked her to marry me,” Miranda stated. “She knew I meant serious business when I didn’t care if I got it dirty.”

“How did you stay together? Six years is a long time,” Shepard stated.

“I fought for her,” Miranda answered. “After high school, after your Cinderella story, I realized that I had to stop caring about what others wanted—what they thought of me. I realized that I wasn’t happy trying to make others happy, so I started doing what made me happy.” She set her glass down on the mahogany table between her and Shepard. She leaned her forearms against her knees as she turned to look at the fire. “I realized that part of me always liked Liara, so I laid the ground work. I talked to her.”

“And you asked her out and happily ever after followed,” Shepard stated, his bitterness only slightly evident.

“She asked me out,” Miranda stated as she turned to look at Shepard. “And after finding out what she could do with her tongue, I didn’t want to let her go.” She didn’t bother to hide her smile when Shepard laughed into his brandy glass.

“I fucked up,” Shepard finally stated. “I had Kaidan. I was happy, and I didn’t care about what other people thought. I just … I lost myself along the way.”

Miranda carefully studied Shepard before she leaned back in the armchair. “You had to prove you were Quarterback Leon Shepard, beloved MVP with all the professional offers being thrown your way.”

“Kaidan once asked me if I even liked playing,” Shepard started. “I didn’t. I never did. I was good at it—I had what so many called ‘a gift.’ I was never happy,” he bitterly stated, downing the rest of his brandy. “I but my body through hell to do it. I went through a handful of surgeries, and took almost every pain pill imaginable. I lost myself in drugs to hide the pain, and I shoved Kaidan away.”

“Shoved is putting it kind of nicely,” Miranda stated. She held Shepard’s gaze when he looked up at her. “I was there for it—that shit you pulled.”

“I’m pathetic, I know,” Shepard answered.

“No,” Miranda stated. “You were hurting, and instead of letting the one person who loves you more than anything help you, you shoved him away. At least Kaidan shoved you away in high school because he was afraid of you getting hurt.”

“Not really a great pep talk, Miranda,” Shepard almost snapped.

“I’m not giving you a pep talk. I’m telling you how it is,” Miranda explained. “Kaidan didn’t have the best things to say, but you didn’t either. And you blew it out of proportion so bad that he wouldn’t even talk to any of us about it. Liara doesn’t even know what happened between you two. None of us really know. Garrus and I got to experience the lovely ball of sunshine you were afterwards—incoherent mutterings about being sorry for what you did.”

“I fucked up,” Shepard restated. “I know that, Miranda. And I spoke to Kaidan about it.”

“You spoke to Kaidan about it,” Miranda echoed his words. “Speaking to Kaidan doesn’t mean you two fixed anything. It means that you’re both determined not to fuck up my wedding.”

“That’s part of it,” Shepard answered. “But I really want to fix this—to be able to move past what happened.”

“Well, that’s a start,” Miranda stated as she lifted her glass to Shepard. “Here’s to new beginnings.” She held her glass high as she waited for Shepard to clink his against it.

“To being a better person,” Shepard quietly added as he tapped his glass against hers.

After another glass and a half, Miranda was leaning against Shepard as they trudged up the stairs. Miranda laughed as she loudly shushed Shepard, her steps faltering slightly as he helped her up the steps.

“You can’t be drunk, you have to rehearse tomorrow,” Shepard stated as he helped her reach the top of the stairs.

“I’m not drunk,” Miranda partially slurred before laughing. “I’m so glad you’re here,” she stated as she pet Shepard’s face gently. “You’re the best man of honor ever. Don’t tell Kaidan I said that.”

“Too late,” Kaidan stated as he exited Miranda and Liara’s room.

“Are you trying to steal my wife from me?” Miranda asked as she made the few stumbling steps towards her room, releasing Shepard from her hold.

“I just put her in bed. She’s tired,” Kaidan stated as he steadied Miranda.

“You’re such a good man of honor,” Miranda practically sang as she opened the door to her room. “I’ll see you two tomorrow,” she waved before shutting the door in their faces.

Kaidan released a small laugh, crossing his arms over his chest as he shifted his weight. He looked up at Shepard, quickly ducking his head when he noticed Shepard was watching him. He turned to look down the hallway, towards his room before looking back at Shepard. He didn’t know if he should say something, uncertain what to say to Shepard after everything. He was thankful Shepard broke the silence between them.

“I’ll see you tomorrow?” Shepard asked as he leaned against the railing, his eyes carefully watching Kaidan.

“Yeah,” Kaidan answered, nodding in agreement. He ignored the small pang of regret pulsing through his chest.

“Goodnight, Kaidan,” Shepard gently spoke as he turned to head down the other side of the hallway.

“Goodnight … Leon,” Kaidan weakly replied, Shepard’s first name tumbling from his lips out of old familiarity. He tried to convince himself that he didn’t like the way it felt to say Shepard’s name again. He ignored the voice in his head chastising him for looking after Shepard. He didn’t miss the way Shepard looked over his shoulder to see Kaidan once more before disappearing into his room.

It was going to be one hell of a long weekend.


	2. When I Said That I Love You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Warning(s)** : This chapter deals with the death of a character's loved one, as well as the funeral and grieving process. There is also referenced past drug use in this chapter.
> 
> Updates may not always be this quick, but I will try to get them to you in a weekly fashion. Be patient my dearies <3

**_Summer Between Freshman and Sophomore Year of College_ **

Shepard was resting on his stomach, his pencil softly sketching across the coarse paper of his book as his eyes flickered up to Kaidan. He watched Kaidan carefully balance the novel in his hand, flipping the page as he turned his head.

“You know, most couples don’t sit around on a day like this,” Kaidan stated, his eyes drifting from the page to look at Shepard.

“We’re not most couples,” Shepard replied as he added another shadow to Kaidan’s sketch.

Kaidan released a small laugh as he stood up, walking towards the balcony when he heard a car pull up. His eyebrows furrowed, slightly confused when he saw that it was Ryan’s vehicle parked next to Shepard’s bike. “It’s Ryan,” he stated.

Shepard pushed himself up off of the bed, walking up behind Kaidan. He wrapped his arms around Kaidan’s waist as he rested his chin on his shoulder. He peered out the open doors, enjoying the small summer’s breeze that blew past the curtains. His shoulders suddenly went rigid when he saw the other man get out of the car with Ryan, both of them slowly approaching the house.

Shepard released his hold on Kaidan, taking his hand in his own as he forced Kaidan to look at him. “Kaidan, listen to me,” he started. “I love you, okay?”

Kaidan felt like pulling his hand away from Shepard, knowing that something was wrong. “Shepard, you’re kind of freaking me out,” he softly replied, the worry in his voice was obvious.

“We have to go down stairs,” Shepard replied, unable to offer Kaidan any comfort.

Kaidan was about to reply when he heard the sudden commotion coming from downstairs, the sound of his mother’s protest. He turned his head to look at the door, an unsteadiness swelling in his chest. He looked back at Shepard, his eyebrows arched in question as Shepard frowned, a small fear taking over him. He turned towards the door, hurrying down the stairs and to the front door. His steps stopped, hesitating when he saw Ryan holding onto his mother, steadying her. His eyes dashed between Ryan and the other man, completely lost.

Mrs. Alenko was crying as she clung to Ryan, the strength in her legs giving way. She wobbled back and forth until Ryan was able to guide her towards the small bench stationed by the door.

“Helen,” Ryan softly spoke. “I have to talk to Kaidan,” he explained to her.

“No,” Mrs. Alenko weakly protested, her grip on Ryan slightly tightening. She didn’t even know what she was protesting: what Ryan told her or him telling Kaidan.

“Mom,” Kaidan called, taking the last few steps down until he stood at the base of the stairs. “Mom, what’s wrong?”

Mrs. Alenko drew in a deep breath, her body shaking as she calmly released it.

“Kaidan,” Ryan stated as he looked up at him. His eyes flickered briefly to Shepard, who was standing just behind Kaidan. “I have to talk to you.”

Kaidan felt his chest tighten, his mind jumping to the conclusions he desperately didn’t want to believe. He almost stumbled backwards, deeply frowning as he shook his head in denial.

“I’m sorry, Kaidan,” Ryan finally offered, knowing that he knew.

Kaidan immediately turned, rushing through the house to get to the back door. The minute his feet hit the grass, he started running towards the rows of apple trees. He wasn’t sure how far he ran when he finally stumbled, falling to his knees as he tried to ignore the tears stinging his eyes. He was heavily panting, his heartbeat becoming erratic. He wasn’t surprised when he felt a familiar pair of arms wrap around his torso, pulling him into their warmth.

“I’m not going to tell you that it’s okay, because it’s not,” Shepard softly stated, moving to tuck Kaidan’s head under his chin as Kaidan turned to cling to him. “But I’m here. For what it’s worth, I’m here.”

Kaidan couldn’t stop his tears, crying into Shepard’s chest as his fists tightened around the material of his shirt. He didn’t know how to accept that his father was dead.

The next week passed in a blur as Kaidan mostly slept throughout the days and nights. He was thankful for Shepard staying most nights, wrapping around him like a cocoon to comfort him from the pain.

The funeral was almost unbearable.

Kaidan sat between his mother and Shepard. He let his mother cry into his shoulder, hugging his arm as if she had to hold onto in order to keep him from disappearing.

Shepard slipped his hand into Kaidan’s, his thumb running delicate circles into his knuckles. He closed his eyes when the soldiers fired off the rounds in salute. He remembered the guns going off at his parents’ funeral in similar salute. He remembered how heavy the folded flag was when they pushed it into his hands, the soldier offering her condolences for his loss on behalf of the military. All he could do was watch as Kaidan released his hand to accept the flag on his mother’s behalf, nodding to the soldier.

Once they returned to the house, Mrs. Alenko kept to herself as her sister tended to her, staying with her as they went to visit the lawyer. Shepard escorted Kaidan home, both of them keeping silent as Shepard drove Kaidan’s car. He took the flag from a reluctant Kaidan and placed it in the decorative box Ryan gifted to the Alenkos. He placed the box with flag in the living room, on the coffee table in front of the fireplace. His eyes lingered on the box, recognizing that it was identical to his own that Ryan had placed his father’s flag in. He reminded himself to hug Ryan when he went home.

Shepard climbed the stairs to Kaidan’s room, lingering in the doorway as he watched Kaidan remove his jacket, dropping it to the ground as he moved towards the bed. He leaned against the doorframe as Kaidan dropped down onto the bed, his body exhausted from the past week.

“How are you doing?” Shepard asked as he moved to sit next to Kaidan on the bed, finally breaking the silence between them.

“I don’t know,” Kaidan honestly answered. “It’s hard to … to think about it,” he pressed his face into his hands, inhaling a deep breath. “He was here and now …” His next intake of breath was unsteady, a small sob bubbling up through his chest.

Shepard placed his arm around Kaidan’s shoulders, pulling him tightly against his body. He placed a gentle kiss against Kaidan’s forehead, trying to offer a number of comforting words. But he knew that nothing would help—nothing helped him stop grieving his parents.

Shepard wasn’t surprised when Kaidan’s weight grew heavier against his side, until they were both laying back in the bed. He let Kaidan use him as a pillow, running his hands up and down Kaidan’s back as he tried to soothe the pain away.

Kaidan shifted his body slightly, leaning up enough that he could kiss Shepard. He pressed into Shepard’s welcoming arms, his own hands moving across Shepard’s stomach as his fingers practically danced against his belt. His fingers started to unbuckle Shepard’s pants when he was suddenly stopped.

Shepard’s hands tightly clasped Kaidan’s, stopping him from moving them.

“Kaidan, stop,” Shepard softly stated as he gently massaged small circles into Kaidan’s hands.

“Why?” Kaidan almost pleaded.

“Because you’re grieving,” Shepard answered as he moved Kaidan’s hands away from his pants. “I am always more than willing to have sex with you,” he explained as he ran his fingers through Kaidan’s hair, pushing the stray strands from his face. “But you really don’t want to do this right now. You just want to feel something besides the pain.”

Kaidan sighed in defeat, nodding in agreement as he moved to rest his head against Shepard’s chest. He tightened his grip on Shepard, clinging to him in desperation. “I don’t want to sound needy,” he started, placing his hand over Shepard’s heart. “But please don’t leave me.”

Shepard moved his hand to entangle his fingers with Kaidan’s, turning to kiss Kaidan’s forehead. “I’m not going anywhere. I promise.”

~*~

Kaidan stood beside Liara, keeping his eyes on her and Miranda as Garrus ran through what would happen during the wedding ceremony. He focused on not looking towards Shepard, not wanting to look across a wedding altar at him, confident that that would be the end of him.

Shepard focused on his hands as he listened to Garrus pretend to announce Miranda and Liara as wife and wife. He still couldn’t believe that Garrus actually became ordained halfway through his military service. He looked up to see Miranda and Liara kiss, both of them smiling against each other’s lips.

Miranda pressed one last kiss against Liara’s lips, before turning and moving down the aisle, holding hands with Liara as the others made small cheers.

Kaidan turned, catching Shepard’s eye. He faintly smiled as he moved to follow down the aisle after Miranda and Liara. He was glad Shepard followed after him, both of them surprisingly calm as they made their way through the rest of the scheduled day.

It wasn’t until after lunch, when Garrus stood tiredly by the record player as he bore holes into Miranda and Liara’s laughing backs, that Kaidan actually relaxed when Shepard stood beside him.

Shepard watched in amusement as Garrus scrubbed a hand over his face, sighing in aggravation. He turned to offer one of the beers he had to Kaidan, offering a small smile when Kaidan took it.

“It’s going to be long afternoon,” Kaidan commented as he observed Miranda and Liara ignoring his words in favor of kissing one another.

“To be fair, he should have known this was going to happen,” Shepard replied, taking a long sip of his beer.

“I almost feel bad,” Kaidan stated, suppressing his laugh when Garrus finally pulled Miranda and Liara apart.

“Almost,” Shepard amusingly echoed.

It was strange to be standing by Shepard again. He knew that, years ago, he never would have thought they could stand in a room together without fighting. A lot was said, but Kaidan could barely remember who started it. But to have Shepard standing barely an arm’s reach away now, made Kaidan’s entire body buzz to life. He looked down at his beer bottle, running his thumb along the label as he tried to focus on something beside the memories—memories he collected of Shepard.

“Kaidan, Shepard,” Garrus called their names, grabbing the attention of them both. “You’re up,” he gestured for them to both move forward and onto the dance floor.

Kaidan braved looking over to Shepard, catching the slight glare he was giving Garrus. He looked to Liara, hoping that she would say something. He felt stupid for thinking that she would be paying attention when he noticed that she was talking to Miranda.

“You’re an atrocious dancer, Shepard,” Garrus stated the obvious.

“I’m terrible at casual dancing,” Shepard corrected him.

“You can’t hold a beat,” Garrus replied. “Kaidan is going to have to lead in hopes that you don’t trip him.”

Kaidan look at Shepard, hoping to see some sort of confirmation that it was okay to proceed. He turned to set his beer on the table next to Tali, thankful for her warm smile. He nervously turned back to Shepard, offering his hand to him. “He’s not lying when he said you’re a terrible dancer.”

“I feel betrayed,” Shepard feigned being hurt by Kaidan’s words. He set his beer down on one of the many tables, confidently taking Kaidan’s hand. He stuck his tongue out at Garrus in response to his eye roll.

“You’re worse than you were in high school,” Garrus muttered under his breath as he moved to situated Kaidan and Shepard. He moved Shepard’s hand to rest on Kaidan’s shoulder, his other hand clasping Kaidan’s hand.

Kaidan didn’t dare to move his hand to rest on Shepard’s waist, waiting for Garrus to move him into position like he did with Shepard. He looked down at their feet, almost feeling as if they were back at prom, which was one of the last things he wanted to think of right now. When he looked up, he was surprised to find Shepard’s blue eyes staring back at him. He offered a small, weak smile after noticing what looked like resignation in his eyes.

“Okay,” Garrus stated as he moved back to the stereo. “It will be a live band tomorrow, so you need to not royally mess up, because if you make the band laugh, you’ll ruin the whole thing.”

“Your confidence in me is overwhelming, Garrus,” Shepard sighed in a monotonous tone.

Garrus ignored him as he started the music. “Just follow Kaidan’s lead,” he almost chastised as he moved towards Tali.

Shepard nodded to Kaidan, letting him know that he was ready.

Kaidan lightly chuckled as he pushed back against Shepard, making them take one of the many choreographed steps. He kept a steady grip on Shepard’s hand as he moved them across the floor. He almost broke out in laughter when he noticed Shepard was staring at their feet.

“You don’t have to focus on our feet,” Kaidan softly stated.

“You say that now, but wait until I step on your feet,” Shepard replied.

“It’s actually easier if you look up,” Kaidan explained. He waited until Shepard looked up at him, offering a small smile. “Hi, there.”

“Hi,” Shepard answered as a soft smile graced his lips.

“You’re not that bad,” Kaidan complimented. “You actually do a better job than my mom.”

“Your mom is like a female Fred Astaire,” Shepard challenged.

“But she moves way too fast for her dance partner,” Kaidan answered.

“Does she step on your feet?” Shepard asked when his shoe barely scuffed Kaidan’s.

“Worse, I step on hers,” Kaidan replied.

“Look, Shepard’s not falling over,” Miranda fondly commented from her spot on the dance floor.

“Ha-ha,” Shepard sarcastically laughed over his shoulder at her.

“I’m surprised Kaidan didn’t quit,” Garrus stated from next to Tali, her bare feet in his lap as he gently massaged them.

“Follow my lead,” Kaidan stated as he moved to settle his arm across Shepard’s back.

Shepard took a quick intake of breath when he felt his chest brush against Kaidan’s. It was a familiar intimacy that he had long forgotten about.

Kaidan suddenly turned them, causing Shepard to follow after him as they started to spin slightly. He moved their bodies into a slight sway, their steps slightly bigger than before as Kaidan eased them across the floor. He laughed when Liara and Miranda paused their dancing to clap as they passed by.

The music was coming to an ending before either of them realized it. Kaidan spun them to a halt, easing his hands from Shepard’s body. His hands lingered as they remembered what it felt like to hold Shepard close like that. He frowned when he saw the discomfort on Shepard’s face, pulling completely away from him in order to give him the space he needed.

“I’ll admit it, I’m surprised,” Liara stated as she came to stand beside Kaidan, resting her arm on his shoulder.

“You’re not allowed to dance with my wife tomorrow,” Miranda stated as she came to stand next to them. “You’ll make me look bad,” she teased.

“Wouldn’t want that,” Kaidan offered in fake amusement, his mind still focused on Shepard. He noticed that as Shepard turned, he made a face of even deeper discomfort.

“Are you okay?” Garrus asked, noticing Shepard’s aborted movement.

“Yeah, it’s just my leg acting up again,” Shepard stated, bending his knee a few times. “It sometimes still gets stiff.”

“I didn’t know,” Kaidan immediately said, feeling guilty for having pushed him.

“It wasn’t you, Kaidan,” Shepard stated as he looked up at him. “It’s been bothering me for a few weeks now.”

“Have you gone to see your doctor,” Miranda asked, reprimand evident in her tone as she placed her hands on her hips, knowing that Shepard probably avoided going.

“I did, but there’s nothing to do,” Shepard answered. He looked at Miranda. “I promise, I’m fine.” He stood up straighter, moving to go pick up his beer.

Liara squeezed Kaidan’s shoulder, a small reassurance.

~*~

Kaidan was more confused now than ever. Even with Liara threatening him to relax, his thoughts still drifted to Shepard. He tried to get into the party happening around him, feeling slightly overwhelmed by experiencing a bachelorette party taking place in a strip club.

Liara fixed the small veil band on her head, cheering as the stripper finished her dance. She leaned onto the stage, hooking one of her bills in the woman’s thong. She laughed when the woman winked at her before sauntering off stage.

Liara contently sighed as she deflated against her chair, looking at Kaidan. “Please tell me that you’re having fun.”

“I’m having fun because you are,” Kaidan reassured her as he stole her drink from her, switching it out for a glass of water.

“Aw, my precious Kaidan cares so much about me,” Liara fondly stated as she took the glass of water, raising it to her lips in order to sip at it. “But you seriously are okay, right?”

“You looked a tad bit thrown after dancing with Shepard,” Tali commented as she organized her bills, saving the rest for when the male strippers took over.

Liara nodded in earnest. “You looked like a love sick puppy in the headlights,” she added.

“What do you want me to say?” Kaidan finally asked. “That I still feel something for Shepard? Of course I still do. It’s just strange to be here with everyone because …” He sighed, twisting the stem of Liara’s margarita between his fingers. “Everyone is happily ever after.”

Tali partially frowned as she sipped some of her Shirley Temple through her straw. “We all have our bad days,” she started, releasing the straw from her lips. “Garrus and I rushed things after he was discharged. He almost didn’t want to go through with marrying me, thinking I deserved someone better than ‘a guy who can’t even keep his squad alive,’” she used a deeper voice for quoting Garrus. She rolled her eyes as she remembered the conversation they had—Garrus attempting to end their engagement before Tali convinced him to elope with her. “Every couple has their ups and downs, Kaidan.”

“Shepard and I aren’t a couple anymore,” Kaidan stated over the ambient music growing slightly louder.

“Miranda and I flirted around getting together for years,” Liara explained. “She even broke off the engagement one time.”

Kaidan looked surprised, never having heard that before.

“She got in a huge fight with her dad,” Liara explained. “She was suing for custody of her sister. She thought that she needed to make herself look strong and independent to win the case. We talked—argued about it. Had a few sessions of rough sex over it, actually,” she fondly smiled to herself as Tali rolled her eyes. “Don’t be mad at me just because you haven’t discovered the glory that is rough sex.”

“Garrus and I don’t argue long enough to have it,” Tali matter-of-factly stated.

“Did I miss anything?” Edi asked as she moved to resume her seat next to Tali.

“Just us telling Kaidan that he should wedding sex Shepard,” Liara announced. “Because Tali is having pregnant sex, I’m not getting any tonight, you and Joker already have an intriguing sex life, and Steve and James like to think no one knows still—even though they’re married.”

Kaidan sighed, giving Liara a slightly annoyed look.

“Well, I just set something up to make Kaidan feel better,” Edi smiled as she looked from Liara to Kaidan.

Kaidan’s eyes slightly widened before he started to look around. “Edi, please tell me you didn’t,” he almost begged, having a hint that he knew what she meant by setting something up.

“I figured since Liara cannot get too rowdy, but watching this happen to you would give her immense joy,” Edi explained with a gentle, friendly smile.

“Oh, my, God, yes,” Liara practically cackled as she elongated most of her vowels, stealing her margarita from Kaidan. “Edi, this makes me so happy,” she stated.

“I’m not getting a lap dance,” Kaidan almost yelled over the music, more upset that his cheeks were turning pink than the fact that Edi tried to help.

“Too late,” Tali stated in wonderment as she saw the stripper walking over to them. “He’s hot.”

“Nicely done, Edi,” Liara stated as she shook Edi’s hand.

Kaidan knew he should have gracefully backed out of being Liara’s man of honor when he had the chance.

~*~

Shepard eased his tongue along the tight abdomen in front of him, ignoring the chanting and cheering coming from his friends as he licked up the salt. He easily wrapped his lips around the shot glass nestled between the stripper’s breasts, jerking his head backwards to down the tequila. He took the glass out of his mouth, ignoring the burn of the liquid in the back of his throat as he took the slice of lime from in between the woman’s lips. He smiled to her as he bit down on the lime.

Shepard laughed as he moved to take his beer from Miranda, allowing one of her coworkers to take the next body shot. He rolled his eyes at Garrus’ fist bump, lightly knocking his knuckles against his as he took a seat between him and Miranda.

“I will say, it would make it hard for people to think you are gay when you take a body shot from a well-endowed female that well,” Garrus stated as he took a sip from his beer.

“I do it better than straight men because I’m not distracted,” Shepard stated. He smiled when he heard the sound of a shot glass breaking on the ground. “Told you.”

Miranda snorted. “I’ll one you up,” she announced as she set her glass of whiskey on the table by Shepard.

“Upgrading to a shooter, huh?” Shepard amusingly stated as Miranda made her way over. “Remember that you’re getting married tomorrow,” he called.

Garrus and Shepard smiled in unison when Miranda flipped them off. Garrus waited to speak until most attention was focused on Miranda.

“How are you doing?” Garrus seriously questioned, his eyes falling over Shepard’s knee.

“I’m in pain,” Shepard honestly admitted. “But I’m not going to take anything.”

“Aren’t you punishing yourself by doing that?” Garrus asked, his eyes still on Miranda.

“No. Besides, someone should,” Shepard replied. He ran his hand over his knee, gently kneading the muscle around it. “What the hell am I doing, Garrus?” He finally folded.

Garrus snorted. “The truth finally rearing its ugly head, huh?”

“I’m serious,” Shepard stated as he placed his bottle next to Miranda’s glass.

“You’d have to be stupid to miss the way you’ve been looking at him,” Garrus stated. “You’d have to be even stupider to not see the way he’s looking at you.”

“I don’t deserve him,” Shepard answered.

“You’re not that same person anymore, Shepard,” Garrus stated.

“ _That person_ is still me,” Shepard gruffly corrected him. “He didn’t come from some hidden, deep abyss that I keep locked away. It’s apart of who I am, and I can’t put Kaidan in that position again.”

“You care enough about him to never rekindle you romance?” Garrus asked.

“Once an addict, always an addict, Garrus,” Shepard grimly replied.

“Maybe you just need to become addicted to something a bit more healthy,” Garrus honestly replied. “You’ve let it hang over your head every since college. You put yourself back into the sport before you could even run, because you were terrified of disappointing people. You hurt yourself badly enough that you pumped more and more drugs into your body—”

“I was there, Garrus, I know,” Shepard darkly replied.

“Good,” Garrus responded. “Then you know how bad you got, and you know that you never want to be there again. But if you want a life with Kaidan, you’re going to have to work for it—every day of your life is going to be a struggle to keep being the person that deserves him. So unless you think you can do it, don’t you dare drag him back into it. You’re better than that.”

Shepard looked at Garrus, carefully studying his features.

“I’d follow you through hell, Shepard,” Garrus continued. “You’re my best friend and you were the one that made me realize that my trauma didn’t define me or my life. When are you going to realize that your trauma doesn’t make you a victim?” He kept eye contact with Shepard, watching him as his words sunk in. “So, get up and show everyone that you’re the survivor we all know you are.”

Shepard looked down at his knee, almost wishing he could will the injury away with hate and guilt alone.

~*~

Miranda laughed as Shepard and Garrus helped her up the stairs. “Oh my God,” she suddenly gasped when she realized she was at one of the guest rooms. “I’m getting married tomorrow!” She looked at Shepard. “I’m going to be Mrs. Lawson-T’Soni.”

“And the world will tremble,” Garrus deadpanned.

“I think it’s nice that you’re hyphenating your names,” Shepard commented.

“Yeah, that way everyone knows just who they are messing with,” Garrus added. He easily bowed out from under her arm as Shepard steadied her.

“I love you guys,” Miranda stated. “I wish I embraced being bisexual in high school,” she honestly added. “I could have been with Liara for a few years more.”

“Funny how that works, huh?” Shepard gave her a small smile.

Miranda turned to lean against the door to her room, fixing her eye on Shepard. “You’ve wasted enough time, don’t you think?” She arched her eyebrows for emphasis. “Especially when that special someone is just down the hallway,” she added before turning back to her door. “Sleep on it, Leon.”

“Yeah, I'm with her on that one,” Garrus added, moving down the hallway to his and Tali's room. “Decisions, decisions,” he stated before he closed the door behind him.

Shepard shook his head, sighing as he turned to look down the hallway towards Kaidan’s room. He hesitated before ultimately turning and going towards his room. He was surprised when Kaidan came out of the room adjacent to his. He paused, turning to look down the hallway to make sure he was going the right way.

Kaidan registered Shepard’s confusion. “Liara,” he gestured towards the door he just came out of. “She made me promise to not let her go into hers and Miranda’s room.”

“She’s superstitious about wedding traditions?” Shepard asked with a small laugh.

“Believe it or not,” Kaidan replied.

Shepard merely looked at Kaidan, observing him for longer than he had let himself earlier.

Kaidan looked good. He had filled out some in college, his body finally catching up to his frame. He was the same height as Shepard now, something Shepard never truly noticed when they were together. He dressed more for himself, usually in jeans and tops that felt as comfortable as they looked. His vision had sorted itself out, no longer having to wear his glasses as often as he used to.

Shepard thought he looked so different from before, but then he saw how Kaidan still constantly ducked his chin whenever he was nervous; the way he still looked away from Shepard whenever a blush graced his skin. Kaidan still laughed with his whole body, his smile completely lighting up the room.

And Shepard knew then that both of them had changed so much over the years, but underneath it all, they were still the two dorky kids who bumbled their way through high school. He felt a small tug at his heart when he realized that he still loved Kaidan just as much.

“Liara had a pretty eventful night,” Kaidan stated, as he rubbed the back of his neck, pulling Shepard from his thoughts.

Shepard looked at Kaidan, holding back a small laugh when he caught the sparkles decorating his skin around his collarbone. “Looks like you had a pretty wild night too,” he added as he reached out to pick a few of the sparkles off.

Kaidan looked at Shepard’s hand before trying to look at his chest. “Oh my God.”

“You sound mortified,” Shepard commented. “Must have been some night.” He couldn’t help the small twinge of jealousy spark in his gut.

“For Liara’s amusement, Edi ordered a lap dance. For me,” Kaidan explained, his annoyance evident. “I think I made a few dollars from the drunk women stuffing money in my belt loops.”

Shepard couldn’t help but laugh, picturing a slightly terrified Kaidan being the prey of entertainment for the sake of drunk women. He didn’t realize he had subconsciously run a hand down his thigh to massage the muscle above his knee until he saw Kaidan looking.

“Your knee still hurts?” Kaidan asked with a frown.

“Not really,” Shepard answered. “I subconsciously started doing this,” he gestured towards his hand. “I’m not used to feeling the pain, no matter how tiny it is.”

“Can you … do anything for it?” Kaidan questioned, his eyes lingering on Shepard’s knee.

“I’ll probably go back and do some physical therapy,” Shepard admitted. “I do some every know and again, to strengthen the muscles.”

Kaidan nodded, unable to find the right words. “I’ll …” he hesitated, pulling his eyes away from Shepard knee in order to look him in the face. He wanted to take Liara’s advice. He wanted to ask Shepard if they still had a chance—if they could still make it work. He almost opened his mouth to speak, Shepard beating him to it.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Kaidan,” Shepard answered, turning to head into his room. He silently entered his room, forcing himself to not look back at Kaidan. He told himself it was for the best—that it was better this way. No matter how many times he repeated it in his head, he never believed it.

Shepard didn’t get to see the way Kaidan blinked back tears of bitter acceptance, realizing that maybe some things just weren’t forever.

Maybe.

~*~

**_October of Senior Year of College_ **

“Are you going to answer me or just hope I’ll forget I asked and leave?” Garrus finally questioned again.

“What do you want me to say? I’m fine, Garrus.”

“Damn it, Shepard,” Garrus finally snapped. “I may have had a grenade go off near my face, but I know a drugged out look when I see one,” he gestured towards his face as he spoke.

“It’s none of your business, Garrus,” Shepard dismissively waved his hand in the air. “I’m fine,” he repeated the statement again, thinking that if he said it enough times, he would start believing it.

“If you’re fine, then let me see your eyes,” Garrus challenged as he crossed his arms.

Shepard ignored Garrus’ challenge, focusing on the fact that his high was fading. He plopped his body down on the futon at the foot of his bed, his legs no longer wishing to support his body.

Garrus shook his head slightly, rolling his eyes as he approached Shepard. He was determined to inspect Shepard’s eyes whether he wanted him to or not. Garrus stopped, however, when a crunching sound came from under his boot. He looked at where he was stepping, spotting a now slightly cracked picture frame that was tossed on the floor with a picture of Kaidan and Shepard.

Garrus knelt to observe the frame, rotating it to the side to inspect the photo. He noticed that the photo was one that Liara had taken near the end of the summer transitioning from high school to college. In the photo, Shepard had his arms wrapped around Kaidan’s shoulders, his chin resting on Kaidan’s shoulder. They were both smiling at the camera, completely unaware of where life would lead them at that point.

Garrus stood, loudly dropping the picture frame onto the table by Shepard. Shepard pried his eyes open a little, peering at the picture frame as if it was the bane of his existence. He used his foot to kick it off the table, sending it onto the floor, skidding past Garrus’ feet.

“You know, moping around isn’t going to help you get Kaidan back,” Garrus stated in an attempt to provoke Shepard into a conversation with him.

“I never _had_ Kaidan, Garrus,” Shepard responded as he tossed his body sideways, curling up on the couch with his face planted in the cushion.

“Oh, that’s right. Leon Shepard went against what his boyfriend asked him to do. He got hit by some asshole driver who wasn’t paying attention, so clearly Kaidan blames him for everything.” Garrus wasn’t about to lay off his sarcasm, even if Shepard was hiding his face.

“Garrus. Leave,” Shepard’s voice warned him.

“I’m Leon Shepard, and my boyfriend is more concerned about my well being than some stupid hero worshipping scholarship,” Garrus mocked the voice Shepard used in all his interviews after different football games.

“I said leave!” Shepard yelled as he began to stand, his sudden anger causing him to lose control. The force of his hands colliding with Garrus’ chest caused him to stumble slightly.

Shepard held his head, a slight pain radiated throughout his brain at the suddenness of standing. He hadn’t felt that kind of pain since he was a teenager, and it helped put things in perspective. _Garrus is right … I’m not fine_ , Shepard thought as he shook his head.

“I’m sorry,” Shepard mumbled, more to himself than Garrus.

“You don’t have to apologize,” Garrus responded.

“I messed up, Garrus. I’ve messed up everything.” Shepard sat back on the futon, looking up at the ceiling. “I’m supposed to be some athletic hero … be MVP. And I can’t even help myself.”

Garrus remained silent for a few seconds before taking a seat beside Shepard. “Kaidan loves you. You know he practically lost his mind when you had your accident, especially since it was only a little more than a month after his dad passed.” He accepted Shepard ignoring him, knowing that he didn’t want to think about Kaidan right now. “You know have friends, Shepard. People who care about you. We would all help you if—”

“No,” Shepard quickly replied, cutting off Garrus’ offer to have the others help him. _I’d rather rot away than have the others know about this_ , Shepard thought, detesting his actions. “I … I’d rather no one know, Garrus. Please.”

“Alright,” Garrus hesitantly replied with a nod.

Shepard looked at Garrus for a moment before reaching in between the cushions of the futon. He rummaged slightly before revealing a hidden bag of different prescription pills that were stored there.

“Really, Shepard? That’s so unoriginal,” Garrus stated as he took the bag from him. “Kids come up with better hiding spots than that for their candy.”

“I didn’t think I’d need a hiding spot,” Shepard replied as he trudged the few steps around the futon and to the bed before collapsing on the mattress.

“Well, soon you won’t even remember this whole mess.” Garrus watched Shepard’s unmoving form, observing his slow breathing.

“It’s this part I’ll remember. And I doubt I’ll ever forget it.” Shepard already felt his high almost gone, dreading the migraine and other symptoms that accompanied withdrawal. He feared the pain the most.

“I’ll be back up in a bit,” Garrus stated as he headed for the door.

“I don’t feel like talking anymore, Garrus.” Shepard knew he sounded more aggravated than he was, but he was exhausted and feared being lectured.

“Sometimes Shepard, you just need the company. To have someone beside you in the trenches. Someone to go through hell with.” Garrus paused in thought for a moment. “Along for the ride, right?”

Shepard laughed slightly in response, glad that Garrus wasn’t going to leave him alone for long. There was no telling what he was going to do once the full withdrawal kicked in.

The door made its obnoxious groaning noise as Garrus pushed it open. “Garrus,” Shepard hesitated at first. Was he grateful for Garrus for stopping him? _No. But he cares enough to tell me to go to hell_ , Shepard thought. “Thank you.”

“There’s no Shepard without Vakarian, right? Plus, if something happened to you, I’ll have to start listening to Miranda’s anger, and that wouldn’t pan out well for anyone in general.”

The rest of the withdrawals were a blur for Shepard. He was aware of both Miranda and Garrus coming and staying with him, watching over him and forcing him to hydrate and eat. He even remembered the way Miranda outwardly disapproved but still massaged small, reassuring circles into his back as he hunched over the toilet. He wasn’t in the mood for talking, but he could deal with the lecture Miranda gave him about being an idiot for fighting with Kaidan.

That was when Shepard made his decision to quit football. After speaking with Ryan, they were able to work out an arrangement that made it possible for him to affordably finish his bachelor’s degree at a college closer to home. He never spoke to Kaidan after their fight, keeping his distance from almost everyone as he threw himself into his art. But he was fooling himself when he thought art alone could make him think of anything but Kaidan.

In truth, whenever Shepard worked on an exhibit, all he could see was Kaidan. When a buyer or interviewer asked Shepard what his inspiration for his pieces were, he would merely say that they were the only memories he had left of someone deeply important to him. He thought that if he could draw a different ending for their relationship, that maybe they could have made it.

Maybe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who doesn't love some good angst :3
> 
> More characters will be making their appearances in the next chapter. I hope you enjoy it!


	3. I Meant That I Love You Forever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Sorry that this took so long. There was an emergency with my friend and her family up in Vermont. I have been preoccupied with that. It put a backup on my grad work, which put a backup on my writing. But without further ado, here it is!
> 
>  **IMPORTANT** : I had to fix the timeline a little bit. In Chapter 2, I changed the time when Garrus confronts Shepard about his drug problem. The flashback in Chapter 2 now takes place in October of Senior Year of College. This flashback covers a range of time, which is all detailed in it. I hope this isn't too confusing, and I hope you enjoy it!
> 
>  **Side note(s)** :  
> Like the last chapter, this chapter deals with drug abuse.
> 
>  _[Save the Last Dance for Me](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1tXUxVWtyaU)_ is Miranda and Liara's first dance song.
> 
>  _[Keep One Loving You](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fo9THgLZd6s)_ is the Wedding Party Song that Shepard and Kaidan dance to (it is also the song they danced to at prom).

Kaidan fumbled with Liara’s bouquet, holding back his own tears of joy as he watched Miranda and Liara say their vows. He couldn’t stop himself from looking over at Shepard, his eyes lingering on him. He allowed himself a faint smile when Shepard looked at him, catching his gaze. His breath caught in his throat from the intensity of it, forcing himself to look forward as Liara and Miranda answered ‘I do.’

Kaidan smiled as he handed Liara her bouquet, Shepard doing a similar action for Miranda. They both smiled even wider when Liara and Miranda leaned in to kiss each other again. They were glad when they realized they were allowed to meander down the aisle after Liara and Miranda, nobody paying a great deal of attention to them.

Everything went according to plan, the entire ceremony and process to get to the reception was well received.

Kaidan forgot about the photos that were supposed to take place after the ceremony was complete. He wasn’t surprised with how at ease they all felt with each other. He couldn’t help but laugh with Liara when he picked her up, spinning her around as a reenactment of their oldest photo together—they were probably eight, and Kaidan had picked up Liara in an attempt to stop her from running away when she tried to steal his Pokemon card. It was Mrs. Alenko’s favorite photo of them, and Liara wanted to mimic it as best as possible to gift it to her since she couldn’t make it to the wedding.

Miranda and Liara took both serious and amusing photos together before the photographer asked for the entire wedding party to join in.

“This guy is acting like we’re all going to forget that they got married,” Shepard softly commented to Kaidan when they were forced to stand off to the side.

“I think he gets paid by the hour,” Kaidan stated.

“He probably makes more in an hour than we make in a year,” Shepard answered.

Kaidan laughed, dipping his chin down. “He probably is used to directing photo shoots in _Vogue_.”

“Shouldn’t we all look lifeless, then?” Shepard countered, looking over at Kaidan.

Kaidan looked up at Shepard, ready to reply back when his words died out. He was closer to Shepard than he thought, somehow drifting towards him as they spoke. He realized that he was turned in towards Shepard, his arm brushing against Shepard’s. He offered a faint smile, prepared to say something when he heard the shutter of a camera go off. He turned to look at the photographer, noticing that he had turned his attention towards them.

Kaidan moved to take a step back from Shepard, turning his attention to look at the others.

“I, uh, I hope we don’t look lifeless,” Kaidan quipped, a small nervous laugh bubbling up as he looked back at Shepard.

“It’d be pretty hard to make you look like that,” Shepard softly commented.

Kaidan smiled, turning his head away from Shepard in an attempt to hide the small blush.

The rest of the night was enjoyable, everyone finding a comfort as various people made speeches, including both of Liara’s moms who reconciled enough to both be there for their daughter.

Kaidan tried not to focus on his dread over the first dance. He knew he had to dance with Shepard, almost betraying his previous confidence as being able to handle himself when it came to Shepard in any form.

They both remained seated as they watched Liara and Miranda dance their first dance. Kaidan smiled when he noticed the proud look on Garrus’ face as he admired his handiwork.

“I like that they had the singer change the pronouns,” Edi stated as she watched Liara and Miranda dance.

“But isn’t ‘Save the Last Dance’ a little cliché of a wedding song?” Joker asked. “Even if Michael Buble isn’t singing it.”

“You’d have to make up a song to not have it be cliché for a wedding,” Garrus answered.

“This is my first known incident of hearing a lesbian version of a Michael Buble song,” Shepard commented.

Garrus suppressed his laugh as he continued to watch the two brides elegantly sweeping across the dance floor.

“See? They aren’t _that_ bad of students,” Tali partially teased Garrus.

“I’m still waiting for Shepard to accidentally trip Kaidan during the Wedding Party Dance,” Garrus answered.

“Ha-ha,” Shepard dryly answered, drinking the rest of his champagne.

“He’s not that bad of a dancer,” Kaidan answered.

“Thank you, once again, Kaidan,” Shepard replied.

“It’s your feet,” Garrus commented.

They all applauded when the lyrics to the song ended, Miranda and Liara still holding onto one another as the skirts of their dresses swayed back and forth. Miranda had her forehead pressed against the side of Liara’s head, her eyes closed as the softest hint of a smile graced her lips. Liara smiled to herself as she held her arm wrapped around Miranda’s waist, holding their bodies tightly together as they both lost themselves in their own little world.

Kaidan brushed away the tears in his eyes, overjoyed that both Liara and Miranda were finally together—finally happy. He felt a small twinge of guilt as he felt envious over his friends.

It was Shepard’s hand slipping into his that grabbed Kaidan from his thought.

Kaidan looked at Shepard in surprise, following his gesture towards the dance floor. He gave him a weak smile, nodding his head before follow after Shepard. He smiled at Liara when she waved to them.

“I hope you’re ready for your feet to be squashed,” Shepard playfully commented.

“These shoes were too big anyways,” Kaidan answered with a soft smile.

Shepard smiled, slipping into the same dancing position Garrus had them in yesterday. He calmly waited for Kaidan to follow suit, content in letting Kaidan place his hand on his waist as he noticed their friends pairing off together. He followed Kaidan’s lead, moving once the music started.

Kaidan was focused on moving them appropriately that he barely caught the way Shepard’s face contorted. He almost panicked thinking that he was moving too fast for Shepard to handle. He was relieved when Shepard made a slightly annoyed sound at the back of his throat.

“I can’t believe they’re playing REO Speedwagon,” Shepard finally commented. “It’s clichéd 80s,” he added, a pleased smile gracing his lips.

“It’s not that bad,” Kaidan answered. “At least the singer managed to make it an R&B remix,” he offered as he listened to the way the words rolled off of the singers tongue, her voice raspy as it added a sultry tone to the song.

“God, it sounded so much more clichéd at prom,” Shepard stated with a heavy sigh.

“REO Speedwagon always sounds cliché,” Kaidan answered, surprised that Shepard recalled that the song was playing at prom. More importantly, the song was playing during their dance together. Kaidan didn’t expect Shepard to remember that though—he almost hoped he wouldn’t.

“Is it cliché that our song was an REO Speedwagon song?” Shepard questioned, lifting his head to look at Kaidan.

“No,” Kaidan’s voice almost croaked, a small degree of hope blossoming in his chest. “I don’t think it is at all.”

~*~

**_A Few Weeks into Junior Year of College_ **

Kaidan felt as if his heart was lodged in his throat as he desperately jogged up the steps and into the emergency room of the hospital. He ran up to the nurse’s station, panting heavily as he spoke to her.

“Kaidan,” Ryan called his name, catching his attention.

Kaidan turned to look at Ryan, a wave of relief falling over him once he realized that Ryan didn’t look at all worried. He briefly thanked the nurse before moving to walk beside Ryan, both of them headed towards the hospital rooms.

“Is he okay?” Kaidan earnestly asked.

“So far, he needs two more surgeries,” Ryan stated. “He was at least wearing his helmet.”

Kaidan fell silent when they reached the hospital room. He quickly nodded as he ducked into the room after Ryan as he held the door open for him. His stomach tumbled when he saw Shepard resting in the hospital bed, the blankets covering most of his body.

Shepard turned his head when he heard the door open, small surprise covering his features when he saw Kaidan walk in behind Ryan. He struggled to sit up some, pushing against the pillows as he ignored the small amount of pain he could feel.

“I’ll let you two talk,” Ryan stated as he moved to close the door behind him.

Kaidan was glad when he realized that they were alone, Shepard being lucky enough to have a hospital room with only one bed. “What happened?” He finally asked as he closed the gap between them. He reached his hand out, moving his fingers to tangle with Shepard’s when he offered Kaidan his open hand.

“Some asshole wasn’t paying attention,” Shepard stated. “They didn’t yield, and sped out onto the road. I had to go into the other lane to avoid getting hit. I … I went off the road and hit a tree.”

Kaidan released a heavy breath, nodding to himself.

“I’m sorry, Kaidan, I told them not to call you right now—”

“I’m glad they called me,” Kaidan corrected him. “If you’re in the hospital, I want to know about it.”

“I don’t want you worrying,” Shepard stated.

“You were in a car accident, Shepard,” Kaidan sternly stated. “Of course I’m worried. I know how worried you are about your scholarship.”

Shepard shook his head, allowing his head to fall back against the bed. “I’ll manage.”

Kaidan looked down at Shepard’s body, trying to examine the damage. “Why do you need two more surgeries?” He finally asked, almost afraid to hear the answer.

Shepard tensed, turning his head away from Kaidan. “I shattered my right leg,” he quietly uttered. “I need skin grafts, as well as a more precise exoskeleton.”

Kaidan’s eyes wandered down to Shepard’s right leg. “Leon, you won’t be able to play.”

“I know,” Shepard curtly snapped. He closed his eyes as he released a heavy sigh. “I’m sorry, Kaidan. I already had that conversation with Ryan. I don’t … I don’t want to have it again.”

“I understand,” Kaidan answered, moving his hand to comfortingly caress Shepard’s forearm. “I’m here for you if you need anything.”

“You have school in a month,” Shepard stated.

“And I will have time after classes,” Kaidan replied, smiling at Shepard when he looked at him. “I plan on taking care of you,” he stated, leaning in to place a gentle kiss on Shepard’s lips.

“It’s going to be a lengthy process,” Shepard warned.

“And you’re going to be a baby about it,” Kaidan playfully teased him.

“The biggest baby,” Shepard smiled back.

When Shepard moved home, it was a struggle for him to even make it to the bathroom. He was thankful for Kaidan staying with him, allowing both Ryan and Samara opportunity to continue with their daily routines without worrying about Shepard. He couldn’t help the uneasy feeling of dread building in his stomach as the academic school year approached.

That was how Kaidan awoke to find Shepard sitting up, staring down at his leg. Sleeping in the same bed had been complicated, never mind even considering sex, as the exoskeleton around Shepard’s leg took up most of the room. They however perfected a position—Shepard resting on his back, his arm underneath Kaidan’s pillow as Kaidan rested on his side, his back pressed up against Shepard’s side.

“What’s wrong?” Kaidan asked as he sat up stretching, moving to gingerly rub his hand over Shepard’s back, turning his head to get a better look at him.

“Just thinking,” Shepard honestly answered, his eyes fixed on his leg.

“Is your knee bothering you?” Kaidan asked in concern. He was only slightly relieved when Shepard shook his head in response.

Out of everything, Shepard’s knee had taken the worst of the damage—most of the surgeons were concerned when the bone fused his leg into a locked position. The doctors had to break the excess bone that grew around the knee socket in order to get Shepard’s knee to bend. Shepard had been awake for it, and Kaidan was certain he’d never get Shepard’s screams of pain out of his head.

“What’s wrong?” Kaidan asked again, knowing Shepard was determined in not worrying him.

“If I’m not Shepard the football star, then what am I?” Shepard sighed as he let his head fall into his hands.

“Then you’re just Shepard—a good man,” Kaidan replied as he placed a gentle kiss on Shepard’s shoulder blade.

It took months of physical therapy before Shepard could even walk without another person’s help. He limped for a while, annoyed by the visibility of the hitch in his gait whenever people would turn their heads to look at him. There were more days when Shepard was angry at everything, his disposition turning into annoyance and short-tempered. The steroids the doctors prescribed him didn’t help with his anger—they only threw fuel on the fire. Kaidan and Shepard had gotten into a number of fights, often times ending with them separating from one another for a period of time before coming back together.

It wasn’t until the summer before senior year of college that Shepard was cleared for being able to participate in any sports. He still struggled with running at times, but his throwing arm was better than ever.

That was when Kaidan found the excess number of prescription pills Shepard was taking. Kaidan turned the bottle over in his hands, reading the label before looking at the four other bottles lining the bathroom sink. He moved out into the apartment, holding the pill bottle as he looked up at Shepard.

Shepard’s eyes immediately honed in on the bottle in Kaidan’s hand. He quickly moved, almost snatching the bottle from Kaidan’s hand before he headed into the bathroom.

“Talk to me,” Kaidan stated in benevolent earnest.

“There’s nothing to talk about,” Shepard stubbornly stated, harshly throwing the empty bottle in the waste bin.

“Unless you accidentally flushed your month’s worth of pain meds in the toilet only a week after you filled it, we have to talk,” Kaidan replied as Shepard reentered the room.

“I’m in pain, Kaidan,” Shepard snapped as he turned to look at Kaidan. “Or do you not get that?”

“I get that, Leon,” Kaidan answered just as loudly. “I know you’re in pain, but if you’re taking more pain meds than you’re supposed to—”

“So what if I am?!” Shepard suddenly yelled. “I’m tired of being in pain, Kaidan. I’m tired of being told not to walk for more than an hour because I might not be able to do anything for a week after. I’m tired of being limited.”

“I know that—”

“No you don’t!” Shepard cut Kaidan off. “You don’t know what it’s like to have to work for _months_ in physical therapy, only to be able to walk with a crutch.”

“You’re not thinking straight about this,” Kaidan quietly stated. “I know you want to get back to playing football, and I’ve been supporting you in that—”

Shepard scoff, releasing a mocking laugh—a laugh that cut right through Kaidan’s chest. “You’ve never supported me doing football,” he stated as he turned to look at Kaidan. “You wanted me to quit.”

“I wanted you to stop getting hurt,” Kaidan corrected him. “You don’t even like football, Shepard. You do it because you’re good at it.”

“It’s my life, Kaidan,” Shepard stated with a surprisingly calm tone. “And if I need to take an excess amount of medication to keep _my pain_ in check, then I will.”

“If you would just take a second and listen to yourself, you’d realize how fucking delusional you are being right now,” Kaidan stated, infuriated by the way Shepard continued to act nonchalant about the entire situation.

“I’m thinking rationally, Kaidan,” Shepard answered.

Kaidan hesitated, running a hand through his hair. “Leon, I, I know that this probably seems like a solution—for both your physical and emotional pain, but you’re hurting yourself more than helping.”

“I’m not _hurting_ myself,” Shepard barked through gritted teeth.

“You want to feel something besides the pain,” Kaidan replied. “That’s something you said to me, remember?”

Shepard released a pitiful laugh, practically pacing in agitation as he shook his head. “You know nothing about pain,” he stated in a low voice.

“Shepard,” Kaidan started, unsure how to stop the conversation from spiraling out of control.

“You lost _one_ parent, Kaidan! You have no idea how bad it can be!” Shepard abruptly snapped, a never before heard vicious nature in the way he spoke.

Kaidan practically recoiled, as if Shepard had just struck him, as he allowed the words to sink in. He turned his head to the side, looking out the window in an attempt to steal a small moment—a moment to collect himself enough to leave before he broke.

Kaidan waited a few moments, the silence nearly deafening in the room as he idly prayed that Shepard would try and fix it. He wanted Shepard to make a move to apologize. He wanted Shepard to admit that he needed help. He wanted to know that he was welcomed in staying.

“I think you should go,” Shepard finally stated, shattering all of Kaidan’s remaining hopes.

Kaidan nodded, biting down on his bottom lip to prevent it from trembling. “That’s it … huh?” He weakly questioned, proud that his voice didn’t crack.

Shepard remained silent.

“Forget I said anything,” Kaidan answered as he moved for the door. He paused, his hand gripping the door handle in a vice grip. “Forget that I cared.”

It wasn’t until about an hour later that Shepard realized exactly what he had said, his high cloud fading in and out as the drugs wore out. He wasn’t proud of the havoc he wreaked in his room, trashing it as he tried to cathartically let his anger out.

Shepard didn’t make an attempt to see Kaidan afterwards, offering only a small ‘I’m sorry’ as a voicemail one night when he was too drunk to stop himself. He stopped caring about school, about his peers, as he threw himself into the game. He knew he threw himself in too early, but he didn’t care.

That was how Shepard’s athletic career came to a roaring halt. He was harshly tackled half way through the first game of the year, his already injured body barely able to handle the force. He pushed himself to his hands and knees, listening to the screaming cheers of the crowd, the concerned yells of his teammates. He pressed his helmet into the ground as he closed his eyes, focusing on the searing pain raiding from his knee. He released a deep, hurt scream as everything suddenly crashed together. His lungs were raw and hurt as his scream died in his throat, a pair of hands gripping his shoulders as Jack spoke by his helmet.

Shepard couldn’t hear her, his mind focusing on just how messed up his life had become—how much he lost because of his stupidity. He knew the moment he stepped back out onto the football field that he made a horrible mistake. He chose to please everyone else when he should have chosen what he wanted—who he wanted.

None of it mattered anymore as the athletic trainer and fellow teammates were forced to carry Shepard off the field. It didn’t matter to Shepard, because Kaidan wasn’t there, and that hurt more than any physical pain he felt.

~*~

“I really didn’t mean it,” Liara stated once more, frowning as she helped carry Kaidan’s luggage down to the car.

“I know you didn’t,” Kaidan stated, wishing that Liara would just let it go.

“I just want to make sure that you know that I feel awful,” Liara explained. “I didn’t know Shepard was going to catch Miranda’s bouquet. I don’t think anyone did. I aimed mine at you because I thought it’d be fun.”

“Liara,” Kaidan finally stated, halting his steps as he turned to look at her. “I know. Please just stop. Shepard and I are fine, we didn’t freak out about it.”

Kaidan freaked out about it. He wanted to toss the bouquet back into the crowd when he noticed that Miranda’s bouquet practically landed in Shepard’s lap. He couldn’t even make eye contact with Shepard after that. He never before hated flowers so much in his life.

“Okay, I’ll stop,” Liara stated, nodding in confirmation.

Kaidan sighed as he started to walk back towards the car. He easily deposited his things into the trunk of his car, turning to hug Liara one last time before departing.

“You have fun,” Kaidan stated. “No being consumed by your phone while on your honeymoon.”

“Don’t you worry, I plan on having all the wild and kinky newly wed sex I can get,” Liara stated with a smile.

“I should have known,” Kaidan stated with a fake grimace crossing his features.

“You call me though if you need anything,” Liara stated. “I don’t care that I’m on my honeymoon. Miranda and I both agree with that.”

“I know,” Kaidan answered, tightly hugging Liara. He wasn’t surprised when Garrus, Tali, and Shepard all started to file out of the house, followed by Miranda. He turned his attention to his car, knowing that he could easily escape if he wanted to, even if he came off as being rude.

Kaidan decided to be mature, turning his attention to Tali and Garrus as he offered help with the bags. He concentrated on everything but Shepard, constantly aware of him standing on the steps away from them as he talked with Miranda.

“Are you going to be okay?” Miranda asked. “You know you can call me whenever.”

“I know,” Shepard stated, looking down at his feet as he dug the tip of his shoe into the ground.

“When’s the gallery opening the exhibition?” Miranda finally asked.

“I asked you not to come to that,” Shepard answered, looking up at her.

“I want to come— _we_ want to come,” Miranda stated. “Your gift was beautiful, and I want to see more of your work. Maybe even get some of my colleagues into the arts.”

Shepard smiled, appreciative of Miranda’s suggestion. “The exhibition … it’s not my best work, Miranda,” he lied, knowing that his best pieces were in this exhibition.

“Don’t make me call Samara,” Miranda sternly threatened, crossing her arms over her chest—and Shepard knew that she would.

“December 17th,” Shepard finally admitted.

“That’s your parents’—”

“Anniversary. Yeah,” Shepard stated. “It’s about my life, and the gallery owner wanted _realism_ ,” he scrunched his nose at the word.

“I’ll give that owner realism. Straight up his ass,” Miranda aggressively huffed.

“Thanks,” Shepard answered, moving to hug her.

“I worry about you,” Miranda replied, wrapping her arms around him.

“Don’t,” Shepard answered. “I’ll see you when you get back from Italy.”

Miranda walked Shepard down to the car, hugging Kaidan before she moved on to hugging Tali and Garrus, thanking them for making her wedding perfect.

Kaidan hesitated as his eyes lingered on Miranda, moving to look at Shepard. He took a step forward, offering a weak little smile when Shepard looked at him. “It was … it was good to see you,” he admitted, his heart hammering against his chest.

“Yeah,” Shepard agreed. “It really was.”

Kaidan ducked his head, running a nervous hand through his hair. “Shepard, I have to know,” he started, looking up at him. “Am I ever going to see you again?”

Shepard stared at Kaidan, knowing that whatever he said was going to have a rippling effect on their relationship—on their futures. He wanted Kaidan in his life; he wanted to know that when he turned around, he could see Kaidan standing there. Maybe not like before, but Kaidan would be there. Yet, there was a small sliver of him that didn’t want to let Kaidan back in—he didn’t want to drag Kaidan down with him.

“I think so,” Shepard finally uttered, relieved that there was still a glint of hope in Kaidan’s eyes.

Kaidan hesitated before opening his arms in an offer to hug.

Shepard laughed, hesitating before he quickly ducked in to wrap his arms around Kaidan. He closed his eyes, reveling in the familiar way Kaidan enclosed his arms around him. He bit his lip as a flood of memories came back to him about how natural and easy it once was to fall into Kaidan’s embrace; how much he wanted it to be like that again.

Kaidan relished the feeling of having Shepard in his arms, no matter how much it hurt to let him go. He smiled, releasing a faint huff of air as he nodded, more to himself in congratulations for holding it together than to anyone else.

And just like that, they parted ways once again. Only this time, the hollowing in their chests was more prominent than before, both of them knowing it wasn’t over for them.


	4. And I’m Going to Keep On Loving You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm the worst, I know! I'm so sorry, darlings. I haven't forgotten about you or about our two morons in love. I'm thinking one more chapter and then an epilogue. I won't keep you in suspense for too long!
> 
> Let me know if there are any other characters you would think would be interesting to see interact with the others! I have wiggle room to add some in (like bringing Jack back in for a cameo appearance).

Kaidan was surprised and a little shocked when he saw Shepard standing in the history hallway. It was déjà vu all over again for him, suddenly being right back where they were at the beginning of senior year—back when things were simpler. It had been a few weeks since Liara and Miranda’s wedding, and neither of them had made a move to approach each other.

“Shepard,” Kaidan softly called his name to gain his attention. He smiled when Shepard looked at him.

“Hey, Kaidan,” Shepard stated, his voice was shy and uncertain. “Fancy seeing you here,” he partially laughed, moving to stand next to him.

“I teach here now,” Kaidan commented, hoping he didn’t sound annoyed as he shoved his hands into his pockets.

“I know,” Shepard softly answered. “I’m, uh, here to pick up Falere.”

Kaidan arched his eyebrows in confusion. “She didn’t go home with Rila?”

“She’s in detention,” Shepard explains, a fondness in his tone as he smiled to him, reminiscing about the old days. “I happened to pick up the phone and they thought I was Ryan.”

“She probably doesn’t want Samara to find out,” Kaidan offered.

“Samara is terrifying when she lectures,” Shepard answered with a smile.

“Which teacher was it?” Kaidan asked, crossing his arms over his chest as he tried to calm his heart.

“Smith,” Shepard stated, a look of dismay crossing his features.

“Oh no,” Kaidan stated in mutual dread. That was how Kaidan ended up managing a brokered deal with Mrs. Smith—which consisted of extremely judgmental eyebrows being directed at him—in order to get Falere out of trouble.

“Thanks, Kaidan,” Falere stated as she hiked her bag up higher on her shoulder, moving to walk by Shepard and towards the parking lot.

“Hold it,” Shepard stated, grabbing her bag and pulling her back to them. “You have explaining to do.”

Falere released a noise of annoyance. “It was nothing.”

“Yes, nothing that landed you in detention,” Kaidan deadpanned as he crossed his arms over his chest. “Falere, we’re not going to tell Samara.”

Falere looked over at Shepard.

In reality, Shepard could turn Falere’s life into a living hell. She always saw Shepard as the idolized child—despite her mother’s insistence that she was overthinking things. Shepard laughed when Falere first said it, before realizing that she was serious. He tried his best to comfort her by reassuring that Ryan cared for her just as much as he did for him. It wasn’t until Shepard explained that Ryan  _ chose _ to accept him as a son that Falere managed to relax—reassuring her that Ryan definitely cared for her.

“Hey, I’m not one to tattle,” Shepard stated as he placed his hands up in a placating manner.

“Excessive PDA,” Falere finally stated.

Shepard released a faint snort of amusement as Kaidan stared at her in disbelief.

“You mean Mrs. Smith gave you detention for showing affection?” Kaidan asked, trying to piece together the whole story. “Falere, what type of PDA were you doing?” He cautiously questioned, unsure if he wanted to know  _ why _ Mrs. Smith had glared at him the entire time he was arguing on Falere’s behalf.

“I was making out with Sam by my locker,” Falere stated with a minor shrug.

“You and Sam?” Shepard asked with an arched eyebrow. “You finally asked her out?”

“Yeah,” Falere stated, sounding proud of herself.

“Nice,” Shepard answered, moving to high five her.

“Seriously, Shepard?” Kaidan replied. “Stop encouraging her.”

“It was kissing, Kaidan,” Shepard stated.

“Don’t “ _ Kaidan _ ” me,” Kaidan answered, mimicking Shepard’s tone.

“There may have been some light  _ petting _ involved,” Falere nonchalantly commented.

Kaidan released a small groan. “Mrs. Smith is probably going to write something up—or expect me to.”

“You’re acting like it’s a big deal,” Falere stated, shrugging her shoulders. “It’s not.”

“Falere, the school rules state—”

“You’re being a tad hypocritical,” Shepard stated.

“What?” Kaidan looked at Shepard in surprise.

“I distinctly remember some  _ heavy _ petting happening in the janitor’s closet—”

Shepard was surprised with how fast Kaidan moved, smugly smiling when Kaidan’s hand clamped down over his mouth.

“We’re at school, Shepard,” Kaidan stated, a small blush washing over his face. “I work here, remember?”

Shepard rolled his eyes, moving to wrap his hand around Kaidan’s wrist, gently removing Kaidan’s hand from its spot covering his mouth. “What’s going to happen? Mrs. Smith will give you detention from an isolated incident that happened years ago? Plus, there is no evidence that it ever happened.”

Falere made a noise of disgust, scrunching her nose. “I did not need the mental image of you two being  _ frisky _ with one another in the janitor’s closet,” she stated as she started to head for the door. “I’ll be in the car when you finish whatever it is you both are doing.”

Shepard shook his head in fondness as he watched Falere walk towards the exit. He turned his attention towards Kaidan, offering a small smile as he rubbed the back of his neck. “I guess I’ll be seeing you around some?” He hopefully asked as he peered up at him.

Kaidan couldn’t help but smile back at him, thinking about just how ready he was to move past everything. The things that happened between them were still fresh, but at the same time felt like a mile away. He wanted to move on from the hurt, but he didn’t know how.

“That would be nice, yeah,” Kaidan answered, memories from their stolen time spent sneaking off together pulling at his thoughts. He watched as Shepard started to walk away, before he decided that he had to be the one to act. “If you want,” he started, relieved when Shepard turned around to look at him. “My mom has been asking about seeing you again. If you wanted we could, I don’t know, set up a date?” His eyes widened. “I mean, not a date  _ date _ but a time. To schedule a certain day to come over.”

“Kaidan,” Shepard firmly stated his name to gain his attention and stop him from proceeding with his ramble. He smiled when Kaidan looked at him. “I’d love to come over. It’d be nice to catch up with your mom and everything.”

Kaidan released a breath of relief, nodding in response. “Okay,” he said with a smile, hope blooming in his chest.

~*~

Mrs. Alenko, much to Kaidan’s embarrassment, actually yelled when she saw Shepard. She didn’t yell  _ at _ Shepard, which was a relief. She had released a cross between a squeal and a joyous harrumph—an accomplishment that still baffled Kaidan, till this day. She pulled Shepard into a warm embrace, squeezing him tightly and refusing to let him go.

“Mom, you’re going to squish him,” Kaidan stated.

Shepard didn’t seem to mind as he hugged Mrs. Alenko right back, smiling at Kaidan as he simultaneously reached out his arm to extend the bottle of wine in his hand.

Kaidan smiled as he took the bottle, turning to head further into the house. “I’ll just continue making dinner, then,” he called.

“Oh, shush,” Mrs. Alenko called back as she finally released Shepard. She smiled at him as she moved to close the door.

“It’s great seeing you,” Shepard stated with a smile as Mrs. Alenko walked beside him and towards the kitchen.

It was nice seeing Mrs. Alenko again. It was nice being in the Alenko house once more, several fond memories coming back to him.

Dinner, on the other hand, continue to delve into awkward moments, forcing small silences here and there. Shepard was thankful for Mrs. Alenko’s ability to make the scenario more welcoming. He was even more thankful that she avoided awkwardly bringing up anything that explicitly referred to Shepard and Kaidan as a couple.

Kaidan, on the other hand, felt personally victimized by Shepard’s fingers. It wasn’t that he did anything explicit—Mrs. Alenko  _ was _ present. Kaidan’s eyes, however, couldn’t stop following the way Shepard would thoughtfully twist the stem of the wineglass between his fingers.

Shepard’s fingers danced over the wine glass, his fingertips twisting the stem as he let his stomach loop around into a bundle of nerves. His eyes drifted to Kaidan, catching the way he was watching his hand, realizing that he wasn’t the only one still thinking about the past.

Kaidan looked up, locking eyes with Shepard. He averted his eyes, clearing his throat in an attempt to hide his blush. All he managed to do was gain his mother’s attention.

“You okay, honey?” She asked as she set her own wine glass down.

“Fine,” Kaidan lightly answered.

“Okay,” his mother smiled at him before turning back to look at Shepard. “It really is great to see you again, Leon,” she stated, reaching a hand out to hold Shepard’s. “I missed having you around.”

“Yeah,” Shepard answered, clearing his own throat now that the attention shifted to him. “I missed being around.”

“Are you staying in town for a while?” Mrs. Alenko thoughtfully asked as she released Shepard’s hand.

“Yes, ma’am,” Shepard replied with a nod. “Ryan and Samara asked me to hang around a bit as I wait for my art show to be unveiled.”

“Oh!” Mrs. Alenko exclaimed in excitement. “You finally decided to do a show? That’s fantastic, sweetheart.”

“Yeah,” Shepard shyly ducked his chin as a small blush climbed up his cheeks.

The doorbell interrupted the conversation, prompting Kaidan to rise, moving to answer the door. He took his time, knowing that his mother was bound to be asking Shepard an endless list of questions.

“Eric,” Kaidan stated in surprise when he opened the door to see his ex standing there.

“Hey, Kaidan,” Eric offered a weak, and pitiful smile.

Kaidan hesitated before moving out onto the porch, closing the door most of the way to prevent his mother from hearing too much--to prevent Shepard from hearing too much.

“Oh no,” Mrs. Alenko immediately commented when she heard Eric’s voice, sighing as she poured herself more wine.

“Is everything okay?” Shepard asked as he turned to look down the hallway where he heard Kaidan speaking with someone.

“Just an ex,” Mrs. Alenko explained.

“Oh,” Shepard answered, turning his sight away from the hallway, a mock attempt at giving Kaidan privacy.

“He cheated on Kaidan,” Mrs. Alenko stated. “And he thinks that he can come groveling back for him.”

“Kaidan’s too good for that,” Shepard commented.

“That’s what I said,” Mrs. Alenko confirmed with a small raise of her glass. She kept her eyes on Shepard, slowly placing her wine glass down when she noticed the way he started to fidget. “How is your knee doing?”

A small, sad smile pulled at Shepard’s lips as he looked down at the pattern of the tablecloth. He knew it was her attempt at asking him if he was okay being around Kaidan—if he could handle knowing that Kaidan had moved on.

“It’s better,” Shepard finally answered. “I have my good days and bad ones, but … But nothing like those days.”

Mrs. Alenko nodded. “Well, I’m glad to hear that,” she replied with a genuine smile. “Are you and Kaidan, well, better? I’m not implying about you being together, just if you’re okay with each other.”

“Surprisingly, I think so,” Shepard answered. “Kaidan is a great guy to have around, and it means a lot to me that he is allowing me to spend time with him.”

“It’s nice seeing Kaidan smile like he used to,” Mrs. Alenko explained. “He’s been … well, different, since Hank’s passing,” she dejectedly sighed. “I just want him to be happy, and it feels like he thinks pretending will fool me.”

“You don’t think he’s happy?” Shepard asked as he looked up at Mrs. Alenko.

“I think he believes my philosophy is that he’s only happy when dating someone—which, it’s not,” Mrs. Alenko emphasized. “I don’t know where he got that idea from. But I can tell when he’s actually laughing and when he’s faking it.”

Shepard smiled, admiring how annoyed Mrs. Alenko seemed with Kaidan lying to her in order to keep her happy.

“Sorry about that,” Kaidan’s voice broke the moment. Kaidan offered a faint smile, one that didn’t reach his eyes, as he moved to retake his seat.

“Everything okay, sweetheart?” Mrs. Alenko asked with a small frown.

“Um, yeah,” Kaidan stated as he looked at his mother. “It was just a misunderstanding.”

“Okay,” Mrs. Alenko answered, dropping the subject when she saw the way Kaidan’s shoulders tensed.

The dinner continued with limited awkwardness, mostly keeping to the conversation light. Shepard stayed longer, lingering when Mrs. Alenko retired for the evening. He helped Kaidan with the dishes, easily recalling the past moments they had spent doing the exact same thing. He stole side glances at Kaidan every now and again, gently offering the plate to Kaidan once he finished washing it. He noticed how distracted Kaidan was when he almost dropped one of the plates, not focused on his grip.

“Are you okay?” Shepard asked as he watched Kaidan wipe dry the last plate.

“No, not really,” Kaidan honestly stated. “But I think … I think that’s okay, you know? For me to not feel okay with … all this.” He took a deep breath, shaking his head as he tried to focus on what to say.

“I’m sorry,” Shepard answered, wiping his hands with the washcloth for a third time when he realized that he didn’t know what to do with himself in this situation. “If I hadn’t been here—”

“I still would have told him to leave,” Kaidan stated in earnest. “I didn’t turn him away because you’re here, Shepard,” he explained. He watched Shepard’s movements, trying to decipher a clue as to what he was thinking.

“I never should have treated you like I did,” Shepard suddenly stated, his eyes focused on looking outside the sink window overlooking the orchard. “You deserved better than me. Better than him.”

The orchard was much the same, still vast and gorgeous, the apples just waiting to bloom. It was just like Shepard remembered it, everything looking as welcoming and safe as before. Before they were together; before things became complicated.

Kaidan turned his own gaze towards the window. He felt a small pang of familiarity pull at him.

“I should have realized that you had more pushing on you than any of us,” Kaidan replied.

“We both messed up, huh?” Shepard asked, uncertain of himself.

“I think that happens,” Kaidan softly answered. “Sometimes we mess up, and it’s okay to forgive, right?” He looked up at Shepard. “It’s okay to easily forgive, as long as you don’t forget.”

“Sometimes it’s easier to forget than to forgive.”

“Shepard—”

“Kaidan, let me get this out,” Shepard forced out, shaking his head as he recalled how they parted years ago. “I blamed you—I blamed you for a lot of things, actually. And none of them were your fault. And I never …  _ never _ should have said what I said to you that night. No matter how pissed off I was at myself—at you for caring. No matter how bad it was, I should  _ never _ have brought your dad into it.” He finally looked up at Kaidan. “I could never expect you to forgive me for that.”

“I wasn’t mad at you because of that,” Kaidan weakly answered. He stared at Shepard as if he was seeing him in a new light. He never realized how unfinished it all was—how they had ended on a cliffhanger that neither of them wanted to address. “I was pissed because you didn’t think I could care unless I personally suffered like you have. I was pissed because my boyfriend didn’t think I loved him enough to care.” He looked away from Shepard, biting back the scornful laugh caught in his throat. “Part of me wanted you to spiral out of control, because then maybe you’d finally get it that I wasn’t there anymore. But then you got hurt and you just …”

Shepard ran a hand over his buzzed short hair, shifting some as his thoughts briefly shoved at him to run. “I thought I deserved it,” he confessed. “I wanted it to be worse, you know? But I was lucky enough to get off with a limp and minor discomfort.”

“You didn’t deserve it,” Kaidan sighed, slightly annoyed by Shepard still leaning towards punishing himself. “Push and pull,” he commented as he leaned against the counter. “I think I’m understanding life now.”

“Well, let me know when you figure it all out because I have no idea what’s happening,” Shepard answered, lightly smiling when Kaidan laughed.

Kaidan looked up at Shepard, a small hope pulling at his chest. “Why didn’t you tell me about the opening?” He lightly asked.

“Because I’m a shit artist,” Shepard offered as he moved to lean against the counter next to Kaidan.

“Leon,” Kaidan stated his name in reprimand. “I’m being serious.”

“I was afraid,” Shepard honestly answered, looking down at the tiled floor. “I lost my parents; my ability to play football; you.” He ran an unsteady hand through his hair. “My art was really all I ever had all throughout my life. And there are going to be pieces at the show that don’t come from the prettiest part of me.” He looked at Kaidan in uncertainty. “I didn’t think you’d like what you’d see.”

Kaidan watched Shepard’s face, evaluating him slowly before offering a faint shrug. “I don’t know, I always thought your shitty parts were your best parts.” He smiled when Shepard lightly nudged him. “In all seriousness,” he started, turning his body in towards Shepard. “I’ve seen you at your best and worst, Shepard, just like you’ve seen me at my best and worst. The people that care about you and love you want to know all these things.”

Shepard let his head hang, feeling the need to pull away.

“And I’m one of them,” Kaidan added, unsure of the path he was walking down. He didn’t know if he was allowing himself to be pulled back in, or if he was pulling Shepard back in. Either way, he felt that magnetic force pulling him back into Shepard’s orbit—and it didn’t bother him.

Shepard’s hand shyly moved across the counter space between them, hesitating before reaching out for Kaidan’s hand. He released a faint huff of relief when Kaidan allowed Shepard to slip their hands together. The gentle squeeze Kaidan’s hand gave his was a reassurance that everything was going to be alright. Somehow.

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to join me on tumblr:
> 
> [drunklightning](http://drunklightning.tumblr.com) is my blog where I reblog anything I find of interest.
> 
> [dexterous-sinistrous](http://dexterous-sinistrous.tumblr.com) is suited towards my ramblings about my writing, and NSFW. (It's where I serenade myself about Sterek). It's my trashcan of emotions. Feel free to stop by and say hi, criticize me, make incoherent noises with me, whatevs.
> 
> [Send](http://dexterous-sinistrous.tumblr.com/ask) me any prompts you think you'd like to have me write!


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